Myth of the soulmate

Beautifully put. The difference between reality and romance? Am I oversimplifying? At any rate, I usually end up managing to tease myself at least a little – what is it that’s so great about my soul anyway? Why am I so obsessed that I be properly understood? I can just imagine at the end of destiny’s trail, finally meeting the ultimate perceiver – he gazes upon my beauteous soul and he’s like “Ew. You haven’t picked up after yourself in years.” 🙂

[Reply]

ockhamdesign Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 8:58 pm

I think romance has a definite place in reality. Romance can’t be the only reality. Also, I don’t think anyone has to understand you completely for a relationship to work. They just have to understand you enough.

[Reply]

Karen Reply:
January 7th, 2011 at 8:04 pm

I completely disagree!! Are you sure you’re arent an INTJ?? We INFP’s are values people. Being understood is the whole ballgame. I can pick up his socks for crying out loud! I can be annoyed that i have to do it, but it won’t kill me. But being misunderstood is divorce material!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Reply]

Anna Reply:
May 9th, 2011 at 9:21 am

As an INFP myself who has an INTJ boyfriend, I can attest that this post is still very consistent with INFPs and their values. With a strong set of beliefs and values, it is very important not to depend on others as all your answers and resources are within. Before anyone can really understand you, you must first notice and acknowledge how much you really understand yourself.

Melinda Reply:
November 23rd, 2011 at 9:00 am

@Karen – I heart you – as you speak the words of my soul.. Stand up for the INFP that DOES believe and hold true to who they are….and being understood IS what its all about……INFPs have a mission in this life to be understood so others can learn….

Wayne Reply:
November 29th, 2014 at 2:46 am

I agree because most of the people in my life know very little about me, despite my efforts to help them understand, and the idea of someone else who gets the big picture, who gets me and all that I am and want to be. Well that’s important to me because most of my life I’ve felt so alone and out of place and knowing that there is someone out there that’s on the same wavelength as I is perhaps the greatest thing that could happen to me. So those of you whom agree with this above article about the myth of the soulmate, I’d implore you to take the MBTI test again and this time answer the questions with complete honesty because any true INFP that reads this article would disagree with it, because 1. It sounds like the writings of a rational mind (I.e. INTJ, INTP, etc) 2. It denounces principles held by INFPs, which I feel are being violated, and 3. It’s just not what an INFP is about. Those of you whom continued to read this far whom agree with this article I would like to remind you sometimes people change, and you’re no exception, so perhaps your personality has changed or you may not have been honest whilst taking the test. Either way I believe you should take if again to figure out who you truly are because you might have been an INFP, but times change and so do people, and you might not be who you once were, but who knows. I just want want people to have understanding and be happy…

Anji Reply:
July 21st, 2016 at 2:25 pm

I completely agree, i would rather be alone, than with someone who did not get me,.. and my last partner, i was definitely not physically attracted to him initially, he had bad teeth, was overweight, balding, it took hanging out with him to fall in love with him….. unfortunately he was “mirroring me” and turned out to be a disordered sociopath… but there you go… i don’t really believe in “soul mates” you have to work at love… i believe you can find people who “get your soul”(maybe, if you are lucky..)…, but there is no such thing as “forever”…

Ward Reply:
January 14th, 2017 at 7:07 pm

This ^

Donzell Reply:
August 24th, 2020 at 2:52 pm

Yes thank you for saying this.

Teri Reply:
October 22nd, 2019 at 12:33 am

I totally get you…longing for “when someone can see my soul in all its beauty and completeness” but what I believe it is in fact longing for experiencing the “oneness”, the source, universe/God, whatever you believe we all come from…I think that in a relationship, no one can ever “get you” as a person because you will always be a mirror to some degree, the place for projection of other person’s whatever they do not see in themselves/their unconscious part. So seeing the clear, objective beauty of one’s soul, the light, the source, is only visible through the lenses of total unconditional love with zero persona/ego projection, And I am not sure if a human is capable of that:)

[Reply]

Yes! I have that book and have read it a few times. Definitely a good read. I have also recommended it to people. I think “quality time” is my main “love language.” Oh, and “words of affirmation.”

[Reply]

ockhamdesign Reply:
January 13th, 2010 at 12:38 am

My main ones are quality time and physical touch. My wife’s is acts of service and quality time. So I remember to do the dishes and she tries not to roll her eyes when I hug her all the time.

[Reply]

Hi
I love your blog. I found out I was INFP about 4 years ago and it was a revelation to me in terms of why I spent most of my life feeling like a square peg in a round hole – it certainly helped with my self-acceptance and my endless quest to transform myself into something that seemed more socially-acceptable (ie something more along the lines of ESxx).

Anyway, re: the soulmate thing – I believe this is common in NFs and is due to our high degree of empathy; we want to mutually connect with our significant other at that level. Indeed, I have read elsewhere that one of the most frustrating things about being INFP is that feeling that you always ‘get’ what is going on in the core of other people while you rarely feel that anyone ‘gets’ you. I’m not an overly romantic person, nor do I believe in ‘The One’ but I do know that I need that deep connection with my significant other. I’ve dated a lot of INTx and although I love the shared ‘N’ way of looking at the world, ultimately their lack of empathy and cold, hard, logical way of being leaves me cold. The one person I did connect with on a profoundly deep level was an ENFJ. His warmth and empathy were amazing – we could talk for hours. I would say that he ‘got’ me in a way I’ve never experienced before or since. I had no idea that type of connection was even possible until I met him. That particular relationship didn’t work out, but that’s the level of connection I now look for – it’s hard to accept anything less once that has been experienced.

[Reply]

Jennifer M. Reply:
May 9th, 2010 at 9:11 pm

Yeah I agree w/ you on this. I definitely feel that I “get” people much more than they “get” me. I confess I still hold onto the souldmate ideal, but mainly b/c I don’t want to settle for someone who doesn’t “get” me.

[Reply]

ruby Reply:
October 14th, 2010 at 12:27 am

i also agree with this…the one where i need to be in a deep connection with my chosen partner…i’ve experienced it twice and the first one didn’t work out but the second is well…it’s a really far fetched relationship and rather vague but i’m working on it…and because of those experiences, i do not want to accept anything that’s less than those…it’s not that there is only ONE person for you…it’s just that it’s really rare to find someone who can complement your soul…and for me, it’s not a matter of someone who ‘gets’ me…i just love the feeling that i have when i’m with them or when i’m talking to them…it’s like i can do anything for them without them even knowing it…

[Reply]

Anita Reply:
October 26th, 2010 at 5:51 pm

Yep, well said. These are my feelings as well. Especially these last few lines: “i just love the feeling that i have when i’m with them or when i’m talking to them…it’s like i can do anything for them without them even knowing it…” Fits perfectly.

[Reply]

Fenfen Reply:
June 22nd, 2012 at 9:12 pm

Hi, just a comment on the INTx lacking empathy…. I’d like to caution others about pigeonholing people. Everyone’s different and with some INTx’s it may be true about the lack of empathy or coldness, but with others, it may just lie deeper beneath the surface. I’m married to an INTJ, and in some things, the seeming lack of empathy (which comes out sometimes when we are debating issues….which is always tough debating with an INTJ, since it often feels like arguing when for the INTJ he finds it “fun” to play devil’s advocate….INFPs like to debate too , but in a more harmonious way :0) Oops, sorry for getting off track. I was trying to say my INTJ husband is deeply empathic, but unlike INFPs, he expresses it differently, or sometimes seems not to express it although he feels it deeply.

In a previous relationship with a fellow INFP, it was incredibly intense and exciting because we totally “got” each other and I didn’t need to prompt him to share, however, when we argued or clashed, it was so frustrating because we were both overly concerend with the other person’s feelings to the extent of no real issues ever got resolved! Happy to have found this site! 🙂

[Reply]

Matt Reply:
July 3rd, 2014 at 5:00 pm

This website

https://www.personalitypage.com/html/INFP_rel.html

suggests that an ENFJ makes an ideal partner for an INFP. The author also suggests that an ESFJ is a very good match. However, as idealists I think we need to be careful with the notion of finding the “perfect” person. I’d rather be with a good “any-personality” than an ENFJ with substance abuse problems or a personality disorder.

I’m not a believer in soulmates, but I do resonate with the need to feel UNDERSTOOD, the need to feel COMFORTABLE, and our idealistic need to be INSPIRED. So, it makes sense to me in theory why an ENFJ would be an ideal partner.

I personally have always felt more comfortable and excited around gregarious “E” people than with other quiet “I” people. ***comfort/excitement***

I find it great to talk about ideas and feelings and dreams with “NF” people. I really like all the “NF” people I have ever met. ***mutual understanding***

I also admire people who are “J” because they get things done. They inspire me to get things done. ***inspiration***

The closest I have come to finding lasting love was with an ESFJ. We didn’t share this world of ideas (N), but we did share the other things I mentioned above, and she was very in tune with fashion and other worldly things (S), and that intrigued me.

So should we be on the look out for an ENFJ or an ESFJ? Should we abandon a “good” relationship with someone who doesn’t fit the mold? Could the grass be greener on the other side?

[Reply]

It’s because they want it that way. What it means for them won’t ever be the same for you. That’s the basic concept of “perceiving”. Nothing is right and nothing is wrong. People who find it hard to accept something usually has a tendency to “judge” more than “perceive”. Example : Is it hard for you to accept that 1+1 is not always 2?

[Reply]

ockhamdesign Reply:
April 12th, 2010 at 3:00 pm

I think what I find the hardest to accept is that INFPs for all our vaunted ability at perceiving, we’re pretty damn crappy when it comes to relationships. I’m not talking about meaning. I’m looking at actual measurable results which are INFPs on forums complaining how terribly they’ve misjudged people and how those relationships end badly. I just don’t believe INFPs want it that way.

[Reply]

Mark Reply:
July 21st, 2010 at 8:02 pm

It’s not the perceiving that’s the problem–its the idealism! We can perceive flaws in ourselves and others all to well!

Don’t settle, but you said it, you don’t have to be understood perfectly–just enough.

[Reply]

This blog has been an absolute GODSEND! I am just learning that I am an INFP and reading all of the comments have FINALLY made me feel as if SOMEBODY gets it! Are there conventions designed for our personalities? If not, it would be a great idea for someone to initiate!

[Reply]

ockhamdesign Reply:
May 5th, 2010 at 5:50 pm

INFPs have much in common but at the same time were so uniquely individual. If you want to connect with other INFPs and discover all the different shapes and psyches of INFPs, I would recommend checking out the forums on Personality Cafe or Facebook. You can find those links under my Social Networking Resources.

[Reply]

How do i stop loving someone? i really need to know because it hurts, ever time i see my best friend, who is in love the same girl, I need to know because at first i thought that my best friend liked someone else, but he has more of a chance and i think he told her he’s feelings last night when we were all at the movies together, i feel heart broken and am getting nightmares and i am in denial and am depressed. and i can’t help loving her i promised myself that i would stop loving her, even tho she doesn’t know it but am trying my hardest to tell her, am just so depressed from being deprived of my only steady flow of motivation, and i don’t want to not feel pain anymore, what should i do?

[Reply]

Corin Reply:
August 22nd, 2010 at 9:23 pm

More than any other type, I think INFPs regret those things they didn’t do over things they did that didn’t turn out well.

[Reply]

Firstly, I like your blog. I do disagree with this post though.. but I am an overly romantic INFP.. 🙂

I must be one lucky INFP – I’ve been married nearly ten years to my one true love who is my soul mate. We have an almost psychic connection and domestic bliss rules in our house….

Luck? Well, I was praying for it for two years and the Lord blessed me by answering my prayers. I married a girl who had been a very good friend for six years. We have two wonderful kids now. I will say the foundation of our marriage is a solid friendship, loving each other’s company and being true soulmates.

Isn’t belief in divine serendipity and true love part of being an INFP? You can’t take it away from us.

[Reply]

INFP Reply:
November 4th, 2011 at 8:32 pm

Congratulations! That’s really special and I’m glad you’re cherishing it.

Do you know what type she is (just curious)

[Reply]

I’m an INFP and I get what you’re saying about reality v. fantasy. However, I could never ever see myself settling down with someone who picks up after themselves! I don’t know what exactly you mean by that and as a result I’ve probably oversimplified it to mean someone who doesn’t have disgusting habits.

I don’t believe that there is only one true soulmate out there for us, I believe there are many – the evidence I have for this is purely anecdotal – I have fallen in love twice in my life (I’m 25) and I know that every 2 years or so, an extremely special guy comes along my way (whether we get together or not is a different matter altogether) that makes me think I really really like him to the point that I could see myself loving him. These guys have always been attractive to me – I’d never be attracted to a guy who doesn’t wash himself or whom I find repellent in other ways. I think people fall in love when there is equality of attractiveness – whether that be physical, personality-wise, emotionally, spiritually or a combination of all.

Also, I’d rather be single my whole life and meet the right guy for me in later life than be with someone who’s simply nice and treats me well but there’s no chemistry. As an INFP I’m quite happy being solitary and entertaining myself by engaging in my passions (art and writing) – I don’t need a body to touch just to know that my hand can feel alive. I feel alive already, I don’t need someone to validate me, if that makes any sense.

[Reply]

INFP Reply:
November 4th, 2011 at 8:38 pm

I agree with a lot of what you’re saying. I hope that the author of this article didn’t truly think that inviting somebody who prides themselves on cleanliness into their home and marrying them is a good idea. Hopefully all these other INFPs don’t have friends that they hate or think are disgusting. How else would you start to get to know someone than by being friends first? I don’t feel like that’s such a stretch. Being in love is not the end-all-be-all of existence, but it is real. It can be incredibly real and incredibly important.

[Reply]

I think people hold misconceptions about what a soulmate truly is. Hollywood romanticizes love and sets unrealistic standards for its viewers. I don’t believe a soulmate is simply a “one-and-only.” I believe a soulmate is anyone who does “get” you. A family member, a best friend, a confidant, a lover, etc… The lucky one’s are those that find a spouse who does “get” them. They basically make up the entire list: family, best friend, confidant, and so-forth. I am in my second marriage. The first time I didn’t believe in the idea of a soulmate or a one-and-only. But, that is just it! I had the wrong idea of what a soulmate is. Love is HUGE! But, loving someone is not enough. Loving someone who you “get” and who “gets” you is ENORMOUS! I have been lucky enough to have that this second go around. I do believe he is my soulmate, not my one and only. I have other soulmates, like my best girl friend and even some people I associate with , but don’t necessarily do anything with. The beauty of being married to a man who identifies with me and who I am at my core self is indescribable because having this in our relationship does make it much easier when things get hard and I think this has a great deal to do with personality types. I am new to this topic and I am learning so much more about my own type and the correlation to that and my relationships. It is captivating.

[Reply]

Frd Reply:
November 4th, 2011 at 8:42 pm

I felt like I was reading something I would write! I think I have several soulmates already and yes the odds are low of anyone ever finding that but it is possible and it is so worth living for! As INFPs, our whole lives are defined by our emotions in a way and we are so capable of feeling things deeply and strongly. The opportunity to feel love and genuine connection for us is probably one of the strongest things that happens to anyone in the world.

[Reply]

I agree with you about relationships being more complicated. My belief is always that there is no measure to the human spirit. If someone wants to do something and believes in a cause, they can be or do anything. Type only tells us how we might do it. Still, I’m reminded by my husband that he would much rather do things in a group than us just having one on one time.

[Reply]

Frd Reply:
November 4th, 2011 at 8:51 pm

That must be difficult. I think all relationships go through a lot of phases especially once you’ve been together for a while and feel like you can take each other for granted. I think this same thing can happen with people who’s types match up perfectly. It’s hard to be all things to somebody, and it probably shouldn’t work that way. If it makes you feel any better about that particular predicament, I don’t know if there’s a way out of it. If you’re an I with an E, it’s going to feel like that sometimes. But, even I and I relationships feel like that because one person will end up saying that they wish the other made them go out in groups more. Opposites attract more often than not (and that’s what the Socionics relationship suggestions thing is sort of based on) but that doesn’t mean it’s not hard. Every relationship is hard.

[Reply]

This is a really good website. I agree that no personality theory is adequate to explain what will happen between two people, but is just a general guide. I like the Five Love Languages as well, but have a hard time picking any. It’s not gifts or acts of service, but I crave all the rest!

I’ve never believed in “the one” but do believe in soul mates, and that soul mates can take many more forms than romantic partners, and that we can have many soul mates in our lives. My unrealistically romantic and idealistic INFP tendencies have caused me to become quite depressed when the man I love has not been able to fulfill my every need. Over the last couple of years I’ve matured and realised that we need to spread ourselves out and have at least a few close relationships at a time. Realising this has helped me a lot.

[Reply]

Interesting point of view. My personal belief is we all have many “soul mates” that are meant to serve differing purposes, not romantic ones exclusively. I have two very close friends, one I dated the other I did not. The friend I did not date I never had romantic feelings for, but did connect with on a pretty deep level. The notion there is only one is somewhat unrealistic.

I wish I could remember what my ex wife was. (Leaning hard toward ENTJ) She seemed to get me early on, eventually letting her logic take over and rationalize away however I felt. I truly thought she was the one, until the little differences starting cropping up and growing. The funny thing is that she didn’t really meet many of the ideals I’d built up…but I clung onto bending her closer to the ideal. (I wonder how many INFPs do that)

I do carry some physical ideals, but to me they are secondary to personality. (After all a gold plated turd is still a turd)

Interesting blog, keep it up. 🙂

[Reply]

Dmd Reply:
November 4th, 2011 at 9:01 pm

Wow. I completely agree. I still hope my current relationship works out, but that is absolutely what it feels like. I have best friend soulmates and it’s an amazing mutual expereince. In fact, my boyfriend was one of those to me. We had no physcial attraction until one day (literally a single day) both of us just wanted each other. That brought on a whole different level that we hadn’t felt before. But, he is incredibly logical and rational to the point that I feel like my emotions don’t count as much as I think they should. Now, things are seeming like they should downshift back into friendship but I’m not ready to let go of the other connections we have. To answer you’re wondering, I’m an INFP who feels like I’m doing a similar thing – clinging onto what I know his ideal could be.
The physical ideals are either there or they’re not in my opinion. Like I said, someone can be your soulmate on one level and then if you’re attracted to them as well, that can change it to something different. I am having a hard time though, because I think that having a sexual connection with someone who also has the potential to understand you is so wonderful, and I don’t know what it would be like to let it go.

[Reply]

PSkalla Reply:
November 15th, 2011 at 5:28 pm

I will give you a piece of advice about switching back down into friends gear from having a sexual (or semi so in my case). It’s very hard, and will test the limits of the friendship to the extreme. In my particular case, when I’d met the young lady she was actually engaged. I had told her that I realized that she was engaged, but was interested in a friendship. So for around 3 years and 4 boyfriends we wrote to each other. One of those little quirky things we did. Eventually we dated, and due to bad timing and some outside interferences we broke up. She ended up marrying a mutual friend. For me it was tough to switch back down to being friends after being in such an emotionally charged relationship. For many years (well, until another moderately traumatic relationship) I just buried the emotions. Not until I got married to my ex did I fully reconcile. Once I was married, it was much easier to relate to this friend of mine as something other than a love interest.

Oddly enough, she ended up getting divorced recently herself…We almost hooked up again, but realized the fire just wasn’t there and it was okay.

The problem that I usually have is difficulty meeting people in the first place, and then acting like a lost pup when I get any attention. I’ll idealize them to the point that I get internally jealous and a little crazy. I’m learning to temper that with patients.

[Reply]

Soulmates – I personally believe they exist. Do I believe there is only one match per person… No. Do I feel that attraction is part of it, it has to be, but define attraction. An individual can be physically gorgeous and be completely unattractive… and I am quite sure it can work the other way too (as for the homeless man who smells of pee? well I sadly must admit I am a bit shallower than that… sigh) I do understand the concept of this blogpost though. There truely is something to be said for some-one who picks up after themselves and contributes more to the relationship than ‘getting’ you and good sex. First off I have found that we must first ‘get’ and like ourselves or we will forever be searching for some-one to make us complete. Two halves do not make a whole – they make two halves that are desperatley trying to be whole while co-existing with one another and blaming one another for their perpetual state of unhappiness. Also resentment is a very ugly emotion that builds easily when the said ‘soulmate’ doesn’t contribute – pick up after themselves, do chores, work!!! etc…

I long for “fireworks”, for the “perfect” match, for the “soulmate” – MY soulmate… but a good friend who is there, who will listen even when they don’t get me – well there’s something kinda nice about that thought… I may not be able to change the fact that I am an INFP (and I don’t want to) but I can adjust the way I choose to see things. My personally type is not a law book of how I am to behave but rather a guide to help me understand why I behave the way I do so I can change the things I don’t like or am unsure of.

I also think there is something to be said for reality. Being a dreamer sucks if all it ever is, is a dream. I want to touch it, feel it, make it real. Anyways I may have gotten a bit off topic there…

Back to soulmates a good friend told me her theory on love: Immature love wants you because it needs you. Mature love needs you because it wants you. Thats what I am looking for. Being NEEDED is like an anchor around your neck, it drags you down and drowns you. I just want to be wanted, for who I am and nothing more.

[Reply]

I love how people always tell the soulmate thing is naive and everyone should grow up and see there’s no soul mates. Ok, so there’s no soulmates, no one who will ever understand me. That means I will be lonely for the rest of my life, every day, just like I have been lonely every single day my entire life. 90% that are important to me (like my dreams, my perceptions of life, my philosophical ideas) are not understood by anyone, in fact, I only share them from time to time to just keep my friends on the verge of boredom. I have had a happy life, but I’ve never felt completely happy, not for a moment. If I don’t meet someone in life who gets me, I’m probably going to commit suicide at some point, like 50 years from now. Yeah, the soulmate thing is so naive, I probably shouldn’t look for them and grow up.

I have a great boyfriend, who always listens, even if he doesn’t get what I say, I have dear friends who accept me who I am. But I just won’t stop looking for someone who I can really communicate with. He doesn’t have to be my boyfriend. Heck, I if she was a girl, I don’t mind dating her at all. But I don’t have to be romantically involved with that person. I can have a spiritual master years and years older than me. Or an apprentice, a girl who is 8 years old and as dreamy as I was her age. I don’t care. I can have all of them, because I don’t believe in just one person. But I die inside without the spiritual connection with anyone. And I don’t know why some people find that funny or naive.

And have I tried searching? Yes, I have. But it’s not like searching someone who shares your hobbies: you join the football forum and you can talk about football all day long. It’s not about hobbies. It’s about someone who would have a rich inner life that would interest me and who would have an honest interest in my inner life. It’s not something you can check by just looking at people, by the first talk, or by their internet profiles. You just need to be patient. But so far, I always get gradually disappointed, because someone is not willing to share, or is constantly trivializing what is important to me, or just turns out to be a shallow a-hole, as it happens with some people interesting on the outside. And there are lots and lots of people who can wear dark colours, play guitar and read philosophy, but are just empty inside, much emptier than the regular people that usually have something interesting inside them.

But even if I don’t find a soulmate in my life, someone who thinks and feels similarly, it would be nice meeting someone who loves me for who I am. My friends love me for being a listener, for being such a clumsy daydreamer. My boyfriend for being sweet and funny… my family, God knows, I think they just love me because they have no other choice. But I don’t care about funny or nice. I want someone who would love and admire me mostly for the magic inside me, even if he/she didn’t have it. I met really only a few people who could notice I am this person in my heart, not some funny clumsy emotional girl. I feel like I was a hostess standing in the center and handling everyone peanuts and diamonds, but everyone just chose different peanuts and ignore the diamonds. I even shout to people “Look! I have diamonds too!” but they ignore it, and ask for more peanuts. I feel like all my inner beauty is just wasted.

[Reply]

Corin Reply:
May 10th, 2012 at 4:14 pm

So one of the qualities of soulmate for you that this person recognizes your inner beauty. That’s a great quality to find in another person.

My issue with soulmates is the belief that finding a soulmate will imbue both parties with the skills or the desire to learn the skills that it takes to have a successful relationship.

I haven’t seen any statistic that says INFPs are more successful at relationships then any other type. So for the INFPs that have been divorced or have broken up from important and meaningful relationships:

1. Was the relationships with a non-soulmate and that’s why things didn’t work out?
2. Or were they in a relationship with soulmate but their relationships skills weren’t up to the task of keeping them together?

As for being lonely, I wrote 2 very long articles on loneliness and I’m still working on the 3rd. But I don’t think loneliness and connection has anything to do with whether someone understands you. I’m leaning towards Brene Brown’s research that says lack of connection comes from our intolerance for vulnerability.

[Reply]

Doris Reply:
May 11th, 2012 at 10:02 am

Thank you for answer, I wasn’t sure if you would answer after 2 years of writing this article. Well I agree people completely miss the point when they think being with a soulmate doesn’t involve a huge amount of work on the relationship. I think it actually takes more work, because you can treat non-soulmates with much indulgence: “it’s not their fault they are like this/they don’t understand you”. It’s might be hard to be with a perfect person for you and find out the relationship isn’t perfect. But eventually, having low standards doesn’t mean your happier, and being just fine with a non-soulmate who doesn’t get you most of the time may not be what some of us want.

And I don’t understand your view on loneliness, what exactly you are trying to say. I’ve read the articles, but well… as I said, I have great friends, great boyfriend, I can count on my dearest friends and family every single time I need them, I can talk for hours with people. It’s not that I feel there are not good enough to be close to me. They are really close to me. And still I feel somewhat unhappy, because, as I said, there is a part of me, a very important part, that I just can’t share with them. I may try to share but talking about football to a person who never saw a ball in their life. They can’t really comment, they’re not really interested, they can’t (or don’t want to) become interested. So how is it possible that these things aren’t connected, and I just should evolve internally and decide to be happy just smiling to people without being able to share what I’m so eager to share? Or learn to tolerate my vulnerability, whatever that means 🙂 I won’t be fully happy until I’ll find the right people AND learn to be friends/soulmates with them, but there just have to be the right people, and they are very hard to find.

[Reply]

Fenfen Reply:
June 23rd, 2012 at 10:16 pm

Hi there. I’m married to a non “soulmate,” however we are both growing as we learn about each other and our different world views. I’m starting to believe that people can grow into being each other’s soulmates.

In the past, I’d been in a relationship with a kindred spirit (i prefer that term to soulmate). It’s hard to put into words how that felt, the sense of connection and mutual desire to open up to each other about our dreams, fears, and fantasies. It ended because the timing wasn’t right. But in retrospect, I wonder if it would have worked out, even if the timing was right? I don’t know. All I know is that I agree with Corin’s comments about how you have to work at all relationships, whether it’s with a “soulmate”/kindred spirit or not.

[Reply]

Aloha Reply:
July 23rd, 2013 at 8:05 pm

”90% that are important to me (like my dreams, my perceptions of life, my philosophical ideas)” – oh, Doris, I think I understand you. I always analyse my dreams, try to figure out truths about my inner life, other people, world in general. I ask thousand questions. I care for things more practical people don’t care about, and vice versa. I wonder what exactly do you mean by “diamonds” hidden within you, but I’ve quite recently met someone who, as you say, finds my inside beautiful. Many of my traits, which others find aanoying or neutral at last, are awesome to him. You might try to use the law of attraction. I used affirmations. Affirming 2 times a day to attract a soulmate (focusing on a feeling that it have already happened). And after a month.. he appeared. 😀
If you’r reading this, I’d like you to elaborate what do you exactly mean by being understood.

[Reply]

Helen Reply:
November 12th, 2014 at 12:20 am

I used affirmations too. I was 30, and had been through quite a few relationships with men who were ‘nice’, but some part of my soul felt unsettled, the relationships didn’t feel ‘right’, it was frustratingly intangible. The year I turned 30 I threw caution to the wind. I started really living my truth, and followed a powerful hunch to take work I was passionate about in another city. I felt at home right away, and was more energised than I’d felt in a long time. I met someone right away that I ‘clicked’ with, and I knew that he was someone special. Within a couple of weeks we formed a bond, and felt very comfortable in each other’s company. I ‘knew’ this was something different. It developed naturally by itself. Four years later we have a little daughter, and still feel the same connection (and have been through hard times too). We have a lot of things in common that I’ve never found with anyone else, and yes, we feel ‘understood’. It must be a hard road to make things work with in a relationship where you don’t understand each other. It’s a wonderful, deep contentment to find that person, whatever the future brings. Being true to yourself, and allowing the other person to be themselves is crucial (even when the idealist in you starts getting annoyed about the socks, ha ha).

[Reply]

Aloha Reply:
November 13th, 2014 at 12:29 pm

Beautiful post! Thank you! 🙂 It’s so good to read that you’ve found that special one – and immediately after you truly ”found” yourself. 🙂 I think we need to be truly happy before we look for relationships. I wish more people could find their special one and their purpose. What was the job you’re passionate about, btw?

Helen Reply:
November 14th, 2014 at 10:00 pm

Ha ha, I wasn’t expecting a when I commented on an old thread!
🙂 Thank you. I’m a very creative person and I went to work at Weta Workshop in Wellington, New Zealand. They make film props and costumes for movies and other things. The best thing about it was that it was full of other creative and interesting people. Around half of them are women and I’d never met so many amazing, intelligent, clever women! My partner still works there, but since we had our little girl, I now do my own work part time- photography, painting and face painting 🙂 We’re not wealthy, but we’re happy 🙂

Helen Reply:
November 14th, 2014 at 10:02 pm

Oops, I think those huge smileys have messed up the formatting… hope you can still understand!

Hi, I’m happy to have found this website. It’s been really interesting reading everyone’s comments! I’m still trying to figure this out. I find that my closest friends, even if I haven’t spoken with them for months, are mainly INFPs or INFJs. I am married to someone, however, who’s MBTI type is quite different from mine. We are both introverts, but that’s about it. Although incredibly frustrating at times, it has also been incredibly eye-opening. He forces me to consider a different world view. Even if I don’t agree with it, it’s still interesting to know such a view exists! What *is* frustrating is the feeling sometimes that I’m not understood or appreciated, but what I’ve been learning over time (by calling more on the less developed, logical side) is that even if he is not expressing it in “my” (F) language, he does appreciate me… even if he doesn’t always quite “get it.”

That begs the question: how important is it really for others to “get you” 100%? If we are secure in our selves, then does it matter? In my experience, INFPs, while having a strong sense of self, sometimes feel insecure mainly because of the largely ESxJ world we live in.

I read a few years ago about how our siblings greatly influence our choices of romantic partners, even more so than parents! It makes sense to me, given that people tend to seek out the familiar and comfortable, assuming good relationships with the sibling. =) Has this been your experience?

[Reply]

im 22 yr old girl.. my parents are divorced and that affected me a lot. The most important man in my life ( my brother and my dad) are the ones that have hurt me the most. for a while i blamed that for me running away from relationships, i find every reason (or excuse? its hard to tell since its a reason for me but i might also be just creating an excuse so i wont romanticly connect myself to some one and then be hurt) i’ve become adicted to have guy friends and when they” fall in love” with me cut them off my life. ive always say i dont want to get married but now i realize i dont want to b 30 or 40 n still not have an exclusive meaningfull relationship with a guy… point here is: i’ve been talking to a guy for 2 yrs now. he is a E?FP he doesnt “get me” most of the time i think thats why im not in love with him. i enjoy his company and i’ve become attached to him, i love him but im not in love. 1) he doesnt get me 2) he has no life besides me, he has no other interest, no hobby no thing he raher be doing at any time but to b with me. and i appreciat that but i cant fall in love with that, i cant get into his life because his life is me. that also gives me a lot of responsability because since im his center of the universe and his happiness i feel horrible pushing him away or asking him for some lone time. he supports me in every single thing i want, oil paint, pastels, airbrush, drawing, guitar etc but he does not inspire me…. i think i can live with that. being in love can hurt, im not inlove with him but he makes me happy ( always puts me in first place, respects me, is suuuuper patient with me, gives me flowers very often, cleans my apt, cooks for me etc) how i said i can live with that but there is something else that even though i feel evil saying it is true…”m response is this: do you have to be physically attracted to your soulmate for them to be your soulmate?
What if he’s bald and noticeably shorter than you? What if she has bad teeth and a laugh that scares off harpies? Can they be your soulmate if they have horrendous hygiene and you find them disgusting?”
He is loosing his hair a bit on the top (i know pretty soon he is going to b bald) he is noticeably shorter than me and that is something that i dont think i can live with, he has ugly teeth and even though he does take showers hes apartment is just HORRIBlY durty and yeah… sad to say… some times he disgusts me =/…..
but then i think.. when im 50yrs old his apparience is not gonna matter, what matters is that he loves me more than his own life and would do/ change anythig for me. still i havent get over it. what if i find the most handsome guy in the world but he doesnt respects me or loves me as much or cheats on me? i know i strive for perfection and i wont have it but right now i just cant get over it…. what can i do?? please please respond

[Reply]

Maeve Reply:
July 12th, 2012 at 2:58 pm

If you’re not physically attracted, in fact, if there is little chemistry or appeal, except for the fact that he treats you well, that is poor foundation for a relationship. It’s settling.

There is a world of choice between finding Mr. Perfect, and settling for the guy who treats you well but for whom you feel nothing, no physical attraction etc.

Let me illustrate it another way: I have chemistry with a man who is overweight and is balding. Balding never bothered me all things being equal, but notably overweight is not something I’d typically go for. I’m not talking chunky here, he’s overweight. However, he takes good care of himself, is active, has a very charming and warm personality and I find him fascinating. He has an exciting life.

If the qualities I see in him are for real and not some veneer for an effed up personality, then I could fall hard for this guy. That much I’m certain about. That, in my opinion, is what you should be looking for, according to your preferences, of course.

[Reply]

Thank you for your advice. Sadly at this point i took a decision. Thinker mode on, another good soul that i push off my life( and that i believe is the best for him) this is the 10th one in a row ( that i remember for now)
Oh and kinda funny, about your question “How about giving it some time and try to meet someone whom you have chemistry with?” I met that guy already (ESFP)and i pushed him away.
I met the one that was smart and will fix every problem in my life (INTJ) and i pushed him away,
the one that completely “got me” (INFP) and i pushed him away,
the one with the exciting life that I truly admire (ESTJ) and i pushed him away,
the one that took me to fun places (NT) and i pushed him away,
the one that will buy me everything (ENTJ) and i pushed him away
the one that will give his life for me (ESFP) and i pushed him away.
I met the one i fell in love with (ENFJ) but was not right for me and guess what… yup i pushed him away.

How I said I had a hard childhood and not such a good love example and now I don’t know if is because of my parents divorce, his alcoholism, my brothers favorite stress realize method( making me miserable) me being a survivor (sexually abused) or just my stupid INFP personality of wanting everything perfect i don’t know exactly. Sometimes I recognize some of the reasons, some other times I can only try to guess. My endless duty of discovering myself is not done and will never be.

Just wished i would stop torturing my heart by pushing all this people away once i have bonded with them ( it deeply hurts every time, especially when they try to call ask for another chance etc. my motto is “no mercy” which is not me at all, but it needs to be done) I just wished i would stop breaking hearts. I hate that now i do it consciously, but I’m addicted, I don’t know how to stop. Next victim (or lucky guy) is already in my life and I’m just planning how and when to do it…

Anyways I guess none of that matters right now, i just have one question… how important is physical appearance? ( that hasn’t been a reason up until now)

[Reply]

Aloha Reply:
July 24th, 2013 at 9:03 am

I recommend reading Barbara de Angelis books abot life and relationships. They might help you. They are very informative.
As for the appearance.. it’s hard to say exactly, but you need to be attracted to the guy for it to work. Remember, chemistry is also about smell, voice, way of being. But it surely is important, otherwise it’s friendship (hard to accept for us INFPs).

[Reply]

Helen Reply:
November 14th, 2014 at 10:34 pm

I too have pushed people away who I thought were getting too close to my vulnerability. It is frightening when your heart starts to open up and you realise the pain and suffering that is in there, left over from a painful childhood. We push people away so we don’t have to feel the pain, don’t have to show anyone our weakness or sadness. It took me a good 10 years after leaving home and several relationships to work through some of this stuff. To start to soften and lower my guard. To, most importantly, trust and follow my instincts.

It is most difficult to have any kind of relationship when you have turmoil in your heart.

Be open. Trust yourself and love yourself deeply. If you follow your heart and your truth, the right kind of life and relationships will come to you.

Physical appearance doesn’t matter, it’s whether you are drawn to the person or not. You will feel either pulled or repelled. You will either feel as though you want to be in their company or you will feel turmoil. If you are ‘not sure’, do not feel pressure to make a decision, touch base with your heart and your instincts and keep living your life.

Much love.

[Reply]

I believe in good friendships and I have no particular lists or ideas of what I want in a partner, thing is, we either click and/or stick or we don’t and relationships aren’t meant to be perfect, they only last if your willing to put the hard work in & if you have the devotion and commitment to see it through.

I s’pose out problems with relationship today is that we want everything ‘perfect’ in our partner, but don’t want to address our own imperfections, we want the relationship to run smoothly and freely with joy WITHOUT having to face and fix the problems within it, and we want it to last without having to maintain it.

There’s a quote from an aged long time married couple of many years regarding how they stayed married for so long that you may be familiar with ; ‘We were born in a time when if something was broken we would fix it’.

Relationships are tough for me, cause’ they require me to open up to my vulnerabilities, and things about myself I may not want to face, but, you know, I will have to face at some point. Relationships with each other reveal our insecurities in a light where we may acknowledge them or portray them onto others in a blame and shame manner rather than come to terms with them in ourselves.

I s’pose it is partly down to our culture. But that culture is made up of individuals (ourselves) right?

Mmmhhh… how can I improve my life and the lives of others. If you can’t help them, at least don’t harm them right?

[Reply]

this is hysterically funny and i suppose sadly very true…
i have said these exact things many times,, if only i learned to heed my own advice!!
you can imagine the depth of my sorrow at the time i signed off my deceased ptnr to the funeral driver… and the regret of the mess i have left in others lives..
still off onto the next obsession, as deep and real as ever..
peace to all.

[Reply]

I’m not under any illusion that there is one individual out there who is my soul mate, or who is meant for me, or who gets me. But I’m 30 years old.. it’s been 7 years since I’ve been in a relationship. And I’d rather die an old cat lady than be with someone who doesn’t “get” me.

[Reply]

I find the “soul-mate” concept robs my relationship of personal responsibility. Yes, we found each other and click in a way I have never found before or since. We have changed together over the years. We frustrate each other, but we make each other happier than any other person could. And the thing I first fell in love with was that he wanted to understand me more than anyone else. And he found a way to communicate that to me clearly, so I felt it.

But to say that it is just because we are fated to be together… if I believe that I’m afraid I’ll get lazy. I’ll start to take him for granted. I’ll second-guess little things as signs that we aren’t actually soul-mates.

It took me a long time to see our relationship as having the potential to last forever. I was young, but it still took years. It took me a long time to fall in love. We were great friends, why would I want to risk losing that? But we kept ending up in the same corner of the world. Kept finding that when we were together time melted away. I thought I was afraid to commit – but then after I thought about it, I realized I had already committed, and had been committed for quite some time.

I had a moment when I thought “wow I really love him” – and then he asked me out later that day. My instinct was no! but I made myself think about why I would say no…. and what I would lose by saying no… my head had a talk with my heart. My heart decided to live with the chafing term “boyfriend”, in order to get closer to this amazing person.

Now we are 28 and our daughter is 4 months. And I did get over my aversion to holding hands in public and now love doing that!

[Reply]

I believe in soulmates because of my parents’ story. They first met on a blue moon at a cafe with their friends, saw each other, and started talking. When my mom and her friends were about to leave my mom said “I can’t leave. That’s the man I am going to marry” without even meaning to or thinking it. They’ve been together for 20+ years and haven’t even thought about divorce. That is why I am so certain soulmates exist.

[Reply]

I have been married to an ISTJ for 3 1/2 years (have known him for 7). We have two young boys together. I am a very strong “F” INFP. Until recently, I never even thought about “types.” My husband is very laid back, avoids conflict and can’t handle stress at all. He is an only child and was very happy and content with HIMSELF when I met him. It’s one of the main reasons I was attracted to him. Upon reading a lot of psych lately, I definitely thought he was a SUPER INFP!! He had it all figured out and if I was with him, I had no doubt I would figure it out too! Around two years into our relationship, I realized we had no connection. Call it “soul connection”, call it whatever you want, we just didn’t have it. BUT, he is a decent guy, I’d definitely dated worse! I really, really, really wanted to start a family and I thought if I married him and we had children, things would evolve. Somehow I thought, he would eventually “get me” and appreciate me for everything I have to offer. Well, it never happened. He never turned into my “ideal” husband. This past year has been particularly bad. A lot of work stress (mostly self inflicted to escape my marriage), on top of raising the previously mentioned two young boys turned me into a stress-ball, at-my-wits end, short-tempered, not-so-easy to be around person. It caused me a lot of grief because it just wasn’t me. I was juggling all the plates, which I’m happy to do, but I just wasn’t feeling any support from my husband and he was actually making me feel bad for “imposing” my stress on him. I went out one night with a friend and ended up meeting a guy – ENFP. We carried on a easy conversation and it felt so good to be heard. The attraction was instant but we both knew better. The days and weeks after really got me soul searching and wondering how I turned into this person. I really feel like my marriage had turned into a father-daughter relationship and I was constantly being “harnessed.” I feel like I met my “soulmate” but I also know that I’ve made a commitment to my husband and I don’t want to put my needs before my family’s. I’m in that CRAZY, MAKE-UP-YOUR-MIND ALREADY! phase in my life (well known to the INFP) and it’s driving me over the edge. Any advice is MUCH appreciated!

[Reply]

Corin Reply:
December 20th, 2013 at 12:38 am

New relationship energy disguises itself as connection but it’s only dopamine and norephedrine being released by your brain. The dopamine eventually wears off and puppy love stage comes to an end. That’s when the real relationship work starts. It’s also when you start seeing a person clearly without the rose-colored glasses. Same thing will happen with the ENFP. Spend two years with them every day and dopamine goes away and then the person you thought was a soul-mate was just some guy you once had a connection with.

Loving someone or feeling connected to someone doesn’t mean you’re capable of having a relationship with that person. Relationships end when the relationship problems are bigger than the relationship skills of the people involved. Just because two people love each other doesn’t necessarily imbue either people with the skills, the desire to learn the skills or even the ability to learn the skills that it takes to maintain a long-term relationship. Love isn’t a relationships skill. With a skill, when you do more of the skill, then you should see improvement in the area of the skill. Loving someone more doesn’t fix money issues, communication issues, connection issues. Relationship skills fix those things and those skills are learned and practices. You don’t automatically get them or get good at them because two people love each other.

Creating and maintaining real connection is a learned skill. Anyone can feel like your “soulmate” until the dopamine phase wears off. That can take 2-4 years. Once the dopamine phase wears off, the right person is the person who has the ability and desire to learn better relationship skills with you.

[Reply]

Nina Reply:
July 8th, 2014 at 5:46 am

”New relationship energy disguises itself as connection but it’s only dopamine and norephedrine being released by your brain. (..) Anyone can feel like your “soulmate” until the dopamine phase wears off. ”

I do not agree at all. Otherwise, we would feel the connection with almost everyone we meet. And I’m definitely not interested romantically in most people I talk to. It’s true that hormones wear off, but heck, some things stay for so much longer (forever?). Similar sense of humor, values and outlook on life, way of talking and thinking, those don’t change.
Don’t tell me the connection doesn’t exist and random Joe from the street could be as good as my INTP bf with whom I had so much in common from the begining, including mind-links, cause I’ll laugh. Many things are super easy with the right person. (We have our clashes, but those are not value-connected, mainly cleaning issues).

”Loving someone or feeling connected to someone doesn’t mean you’re capable of having a relationship with that person.” I can agree with that, a lot depends from maturity, etc, and other factors, you can feel connected, but not attracted, you can be unble to live together due to habits or preferences, you can be scared of such intimacy, and so on.

[Reply]

Helen Reply:
November 14th, 2014 at 11:17 pm

I totally agree that the relationship skills are crucial, but I think Nina has a point. I don’t think ‘anyone’ can feel like your soul mate. I think you can fall in love or in lust with just about anyone, but experiencing the connection that people call soul mates or ‘the one’? That feels different to love and lust.
I didn’t experience it as a rush of feelings, it was more like the universe was telling me this was the person for me, in a very comfortable and content way. Like a gentle magnetism. I’ve had several other relationships, and experienced a range of attraction levels (some more powerful than this) but none, NONE had the feeling of ‘rightness’ that this does. There was no forcing, no arguing, no need or desire, it just WAS. The relationships skills are still required, but go hand in hand with loving someone gently, respecting them, and wanting to be with them. I had relationship skills with other people, but that didn’t make up for the relationship not feeling right.
Maybe part of the feeling you get with the right person is a sense that you are each other’s best person to grow with over a lifetime? That would partly explain my previous relationships where the guy wasn’t as interested in growth as I was.

INFPs by nature feel very alone, isolated and different to most people. Of course we want to be understood. I don’t expect anyone to ever understand me (my psychologist told me I’m very complex and difficult to understand so there’s really no hope in that area) but I want someone who wants to.

I don’t believe in numerous “soul mates” nor do I think there’s only one person meant for another. Soul mates don’t end up together often, I really do think it’s rare and the people that find each other are very lucky but it’s not something to strive for because you’ll always be disappointed.

[Reply]

I related to what you wrote below Corin, regarding your relationship history with your dad. I have also found a way to relate to mine; no expectations, just my love for him, and a feeling of complete contentment sitting in the same room as him, not talking, simply sharing time together. I admire his courage in getting through his own childhood and youth, and all he sacrificed to make sure our family was taken care of financially and otherwise. I look forward to my time with him, and the authenticity of those moments.
You wrote:
“One of the reasons why I have wrote my 3rd article on why were lonely is I’m still experimenting with vulnerability and what it truly means. I don’t get along with my dad that well. He had a really stressful life when we came to America as refugees and had to start over. He also had a temper so I get hit a lot. Now he’s 70 and his memory is going. And at the last family gathering which we have monthly all my siblings avoid him. We talk amongst ourselves and my dad just ends up sitting on the couch alone. So my experiment was this. I just sat next to him close enough that our shoulders were touching. He’s not a touchy-feely guy.

I’m currently at the age where he had to completely restart his life when we came over to the US. He doesn’t really understand my life choices or how I managed to do as well as I am, but he doesn’t have to understand me. I understand him now and how hard he had it and how damn stressful it must have been working 3 jobs to barely feed a family of six. He deserved better than sitting alone at 70 for 30 years of hard work for his family. I just sat there and just enjoyed being with him and being grateful for what he’s done.

Several days later when I had enough time to process that moment, I realized that I was in one of my truly authentic moments. That was me really being me to someone I cared about without being defensive or having my walls up.

If you want to know where to start, start with authenticity and figuring out what it takes not to where all your masks at work, with family, with friends.

[Reply]

Helen Reply:
November 14th, 2014 at 11:37 pm

I feel you’ve hit the nail on the head, Jules, when you say to start with authenticity and not wearing masks in life. The truer we are with ourselves, the truer we can be with others, and the easier it is to recognise truth in others. It this way we can have authentic relationships with our loved ones, and those we are yet to love.

[Reply]

This kind of reminds me of the series How I Met Your Mother (SPOILER ALERT) in the finale. Even though a lot of people dislike it, there’s one thing that i love about it. The main character Ted (Who it’s totally an INF, i’m not sure if he’s J or P) was always looking for “the one” and waiting for a sign. But the one he loved was Robin, who he had a relationship with and failed because they had different dreams and expectations, thorugh all the series they both were in love with each other but couldn’t be together, but then “The Mother” appeared, and she made Ted overcame Robin and they got married and had 2 children. Robin married Barney, but her dream about traveling the world was more important to her than anything, so it ended up in divorce.

I seemed like the conclusion was that, after all, Robin was not “the one”, but the mother… And after some timesthe mother died. So 6 years after she died, when Ted was telling his kids the story of how he met the mother, they realized that the story was not about the mother, but about their “Aunt Robin” (It even started the day he met her). And they encouraged him to go for her. After all those years, they both acomplished their goals and being together wouldn’t make them sacrifice their dreams any more.

It shows how there’s not such thing as “the one”, because the mother and Robin are totally different. And how you shouldn’t sacrifice your dreams and freedom because of a relationship, because it’s not gonna end well. Something that a lot of INFPs should learn.

[Reply]

Thank you so very much.

For the blog, the advice, the recommended books, the discussions.

oh, and Merry Christmas! :o)

[Reply]

I d like to share “my first love story” which I don’t tell anyone generally. As expected from an INFP, I’ve been told that it s not really a common story (maybe I should meet new people though).
When I was in high school I was a video game addict. I am a girl. Whenever I finished, or I watched my brother finished a good game (I usually didn’t really talk to anyone (i had only two friends) for 3-4 days, I just listened music and dreamt about the game. One day, one of my close friend advice me to”fell in love with somebody like normal people does” so that i could cheer up. I fell in love with the “Harry Potter”, for 3 years I dreamt about him every day, cried at nights. My love for man were usually from the books, video games, japanese animations lol! I just love living in the Fantasy World, I thought I could escape from reality forever! Basicaly, I had had never really interested in a real person, boyfriend.
My friend, talked about a popular guy in the school, she said ” Love is like a game! You like challanges anyways”. Of course, she was right! I accepted the challange. I had only 3 months left to change my school, in the mean time I could learn some skills in real life! I started to pay attention to the guy (i never talked to him), somehow i’ve been told that (same friend) he noticed me (i was very shy, distant, typical “I’ll be invisible” INFP, i used to dressed manly clothing- sports shoes, wide pants, no make up…). For two months I was having fun for sure! But then things get serious in my head! My friends told me to tell him what I felt. But I didn’t want to have a relationship, I just needed to know how and what was the real reason all of the crazy feelings! I thought “well I am a teenager, and he probably has no idea what s going on with me. I started things in my head in the first place and that’s just amazing, I need to know more about myself!” (self-discovery is the best, INFP). I planned to tell him what I felt after my 20s if I liked the real him of course, not the person I created in my head! (there was no facebook back then :P, I didn’t know his number nor his email adress! Blindful faith, I was going to meet him somehow?! I loved the story that I planned!) But in the mean time first things first, I went to bookstore! 😀 I started to search for books about psychology, astrology, human behaviour, indian philosophy… I thought about him everyday, everywhere I went, hoping him to show up, I never told but one friend; I had those suicidal thoughts (I tried to kill myself with knife when I was 8 years old, back then I was curious about how did it feel like being dead?! I remember as a child, I hated the feeling of giving up, I promised myself that I won’t lose over life, I’ll survive no matter what happens I’ll try again, just like in video games!) but I had promised myself, I would never try again…
In time, I actually got used to thinking about him and crying for him! I really wished that I didn’t enjoy the pain so much, but I did! I was fascinated by the brain itself; I started to analyzed myself, took notes about my dreams (freudian) and I helped people around me; after two years I had become like a life coach or a therapist some said! Everyone around me told me to study psycology at the collage; but I was always the idealist person, I had to follow my 11 year old dream (oh yeah INFP), learning one Asian language at the collage. So, without hesitation I studied Korean language and literature. I became Korean indeed, one of the top student! In my second year at the collage, I found the platonic love on facebook through common friends. I added him, he accepted but still, I didn’t talk because I was 19, I planned to talk to him after 20s (well thought INFP)!. Last year of mine at the collage, I got the scholarship and I went to Seoul.
In Korea I decided to chat with him cause I was 21 years old, so the time had come. We just had casual talks, mostly joking and funny conversations. Once I got back to my hometown, we met. I knew that he had a beautiful soul but unfortunately he was just a bit rude than I thought he might be, and he was too childish so I didn’t tell anything about the past feelings. I ve never meet him since. He s still my facebook friend, he is just a nice guy from the past. I don’t really feel regret nor I blame anyone including myself, no matter how unrealistic, unbeareble or some say just crazy decision I made for the first love; I wanted to have my own story and oh yeah I got it right 🙂

[Reply]

I think this article can be relevant especially for INFP’s who are stuck on a set on overtly idealistic and somewhat unhealthy notions of what love and healthy relationships are. However, at least in my opinion, I think the article goes a little too far on the other end of the proverbial ‘scale’; there’s a balance that I feel like you have ignored.

I don’t particularly believe there is one and only one person meant for you who will completely understand you and satisfy your need to be understood; that definition of a soulmate doesn’t make sense for a lot of reasons. I do however believe that there are people who are meant for you, and certainly more meant for you than others (I should point out that people who are meant for you doesn’t neccesarily mean people who will make you happy all the time; If we only ever met people we got along with, we would never grow, would we?). I am a Christian, so that plays into my opinions and, as such, I believe that there are people God has set out for you. Does that mean I believe they will get you completely? Certainly not! At the end of the day, a HUGE part of relationships is growth; you are never going to meet someone who is absolutely perfect for you, or who even fits you extremely well; that comes as the relationship matures (if it matures), and, like love, must be maintained; people change, and as they change, there are different things to understand. Even so, there are just people who don’t fit you well, either because they want different things, or because, naturally, you just don’t get along; there has to be an interplay of an initial connection, and a mutual desire to build and maintain it.

Also, I tend to hold the notion or concept of love to particularly high standard. A lot of people regard love as a feeling, and I think that is why (to distil, or simplify the issue) a lot of relationships do not end well. The problem with that is it focuses on the ‘self’ more than it focuses on the act of being selfless; its about the recipient, the individual, rather than about the other party, and both of you. It’s very ‘me’ focused; what ‘I’ feel, what it does for ‘me’. And the problem with regarding love as only a feeling is that it adopts an inevitable expiration date. Why? Because, eventually, that flittery-fluttery feeling of butterflies in your stomach fades away (or at least the effortlessness of it does) and suddenly you are faced with the reality of what the other person is. There’s actually a theory called the four stages of love that defines that first stage as infatuation, and the end of that stage (or rather, stage two) as post-rapture. Post rapture usually occurs at around 6-8 months into a relationship, and, according to the research supporting the theory, that is when most relationships end; biologically speaking, your body gets used to the ‘high’ it gets off of love, and there is a dip in attraction (that is theoretically supposed to perk back up later). Love is eons more than the feeling.
To me, love is a commitment, a mutual desire to try and see where the other person is coming from, a conscious decision to choose them over and over again, and a foundation to build on. It is more than just an attempt to satsify oneself (while also taking into account self-satisfaction to some extent); as such, to me, when someone is unfaithful, they haven’t neccesarily fallen out of love with their partner; they have just put their own selfsatisfaction on top of everything else, or perhaps, to put it more crudely, were not in the ‘healthy’ kind of love. Love has everything to do with long-term relationships. Having someone attest to the practical needs of a relationship (like picking up after themselves) doesn’t have to be mutually exclusive from the emotional needs of a relationship (like feeling there is a safe space where emotions and thoughts can be understood and shared) and in relationships (or at least any relationship I want to be in), there has to be a balance.

[Reply]

Lisa Katherine Reply:
January 4th, 2017 at 7:13 pm

To correct the last paragraph I wrote, I meant to say rather than it being mutually exclusive (because, you did in fact mention that it doesn’t have to be-sorry, my bad!) there should still be a considerable emphasis on emotional needs (i.e. being understood). I guess what i’m really trying to say is, though I do in part disagree with the notion of love as you put it, I do agree with you about looking for both practical and emotional needs, only I place a little more emphasis on the latter equalizing with the former (that may be a lot rarer or harder ot find, but I can wait!)

[Reply]

Ward Reply:
January 27th, 2017 at 5:44 am

Very well said, Lisa.

[Reply]

Bless you, sir. Thanks for the advice. I finally realize that holding into this “there’s only one soulmate” thought just intoxicate my personality. Maybe I need a little more time to diminish that thought, but I believe that I can get rid of that sooner or later

[Reply]

I agree with this article completely! I spent so long searching for the person I thought would be perfect for me, who upon chance I’d meet–but it never happened.
I’m with my soulmate now, but they have no physical attraction. And guess what? I’m alright with that! I never thought I would be. 🙂

[Reply]