Five Stages of INFP

This is right on the money. I can look back over my life, and identify myself in each of these stages. I’ve only recently emerged from Stage 4, and am slowly moving into Stage 5. As with the grief associated with dying, the steps don’t always come along in a nice, neat, and ordered fashion. There’s lots of jumping ahead, falling back, and repeating as you move through the stages, but that’s ok. Eventually, you get there. 🙂

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ockhamdesign Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 2:58 pm

I’ve been in the Bargaining stage for a while. It’s like I kinda get what I want. Then I want a little more of kinda happiness I already have so I work towards that. Then I’m kinda happy for a day or so and then start working for the next kinda happy goal. The really happy goals for me are daunting so I tell myself that life’s pretty good as is. I mean, I have a loving family and get to travel, but that’s only part of what I wanted.

Luckily, I’ve always got to skip the Depression stage. I never get depressed because I’m always big on the personal responsibility. Though, I do get critical of myself because I know it’s my fault and I don’t do anything different.

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Oh oh oh, wait a minute. I think you put a way huge burden of guilt on the poor INFP’s shoulders. Is it really our fault when a close person dies? When people break the promises they’ve made to us?

We can only assume responsibility for our actions and for our emotional reactions to external stimuli. Our own. Not those of other people. Not for the external reality that triggered them. Nobody is the guilty party.

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ockhamdesign Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 4:38 pm

Most external things will always be out of our control. People die. People leave. Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.

However, certain repeated patterns like multiple people in our lives breaking promises to us repeatedly has to be indicator that maybe it’s not them but it’s us. People prone to break their promises have always broken their promises. Just as you can’t get chronically late INFP to show up on time unless they really want to, you can’t make a person who’s good at keeping promises, break their promises.

Whatever behavior someone exhibits in a relationships has always been there. So the question is, why aren’t we attracting the people who keep promises instead of the people who break promises? Who’s decision is it to let someone into our lives that let will let us down? Sometimes, finding a great relationships is just about making a better decision on who gets to be in our life in the first place.

It’s not about guilt. It’s about personal responsibility. Guilt happens when you do something you feel you shouldn’t be doing in the first place. I think the majority of people don’t suffer guilt about making an honest or uninformed mistake unless that mistake leads to tragic consequences. Personal responsibility is saying, I made a mistake because I didn’t know better and learning what is needed to know better the next time.

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Johanka Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 5:21 pm

I see I didn’t make quite clear that with the “breaking promises” example I wasn’t hinting at constantly choosing bad partners. 🙂 I really meant random people in our lives who may not even necessarily interpret the situation the same way, because they don’t share INFP’s high standards. To them nothing happened.

My point is that you can assume responsibility in a compassionate way, without guilting yourself or anyone else. This is the best (and perhaps the only) effective way to healing pain, including the pain of having grown up as an introvert in a heavily extrovert-dominated world. 🙂 Assigning blame usually only triggers downward spiral of accusations going back and forth, just as in any stereotypical argument between a husband and a wife.

I’m influenced by Havi Brooks’ (fluentself.com) yoga-based views on the issues. Her site is amazing. I cannot recommend warmly enough.

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ockhamdesign Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 7:49 pm

Currently, I’m in change mode so I’m limiting the dozens of people I see weekly down to four. Last Friday afternoon, my ENFP friend and I made plans to hang out at a diner late that night. About an hour before we were to meet, she texts me and says that she was over at her neighbors drinking and she’s had too much to drink so she can’t make it.

Am I mad at her? Not in the slightest. With my ideal of what friendship should be, I would never flake out like that. But that’s just it, those are MY ideals, not HERS. My ideals affect my behavior not someone else’s. Expecting someone else to have your ideals and behave accordingly is basically saying, I’m better than you and therefore you should be more like me.

I don’t care for the term high standards. High is a subjective term. The response to any subjective term is “compared to what”? Whenever INFPs say they have high standards, my response is compared to whom? The Pope? To the average person? And what exactly defines average because that’s a subjective term also.

My ENFP friend canceled. So what? I’m never disappointed in people. Not ever, not anymore. You’re only disappointed if you’re expecting something and you don’t get it. I don’t expect people to do anything that’s not in their best interest. I figured she couldn’t make it because she felt it wasn’t in her best interest to hang out with me that night. I can’t fault her for that. I can’t fault anyone for doing what’s in their best interest even though it might be contrary to what I want.

However, having no expectations of other people’s behavior is my ideal and no one else’s.

I never assign blame externally. What if someone is rude to me? Maybe they’re having a bad day. Maybe they’re just an ass. I don’t really care. I’m not going to assume responsibility in a compassionate way for their behavior. The why’s of someone’s behavior isn’t my problem. I just want results. I want them to stop being rude so I tell them I think they’re being rude. It’s the truth. If I tell the truth it ceases to be my problem anymore. If they can’t deal with the truth, it’s their problem.

I am disappointed in bad results. The result I wanted wasn’t to hang out with a particular friend. I wanted to have a good conversation with a friend. Since my ENFP friend wasn’t available, I called my ENFJ friend. It was a long shot since he’s always busy and he has a line of people wanting to spend time with him. Whenever I put things out to the universe, I find I’m rarely disappointed. I wanted a good conversation and he was available. We hung out at a diner, had a good conversation and I got the result I wanted.

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Jennifer M. Reply:
May 9th, 2010 at 8:39 pm

This is a very interesting approach to life. I’m going to have to try this. I think a lot of times I subconsciously assume that other people have my same ideals about things, but really that isn’t always true. It’s my responsibility if I choose to always be around negative people. It’s their responsibility if they’re negative. I tend to forget that and try to feel responsible for their negative behavior, which in turn makes me nauseous when I can’t fix them.

I like what you said about how really when it came down to it, it was the bad results that you were disappointed in. So you set out to create those results in a different way. That’s very healthy! I tend to get stuck on, “Well, so-and-so didn’t have time for me! Boo hoo!” Next time this happens I will try to take a step back and think, “Okay, they needed to do what they needed to do. What I needed was a conversation, so I will call someone else who can give offer that.” Because it’s true, I tend to get stuck in my head thinking everyone hates me, but when I actually do reach out, most times people are ready and willing to connect!

Andrew Reply:
September 1st, 2017 at 3:25 pm

My childhood friend is an ENFP, and he flakes out on me all the time. I never get mad at him. It’s apart of who he is, and I learn to plan around it =)

Shane Reply:
December 28th, 2012 at 2:04 pm

What if the people always breaking promises, after years of proving oneself with hard work, are the parents of the infp? We don’t choose our parents. And disappearing from their lives is proving difficult with the Internet.

By the way, this blog was linked to me by my SJ mother as proof of all my infp faults. Not all infps are as lazy or lacking in responsibility as you make us out to be. We all didn’t live sheltered lives, living with a loving mommy and daddy well into our twenties – those are your lazy, idealistic infps. An infp who has been earning a living since they were 17 has every right to be angry when nepotism allows lazy morons to advance in life because they happened to be born with the right last name.

We make our own happiness. Some INFPs get that – some of you are still searching.

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Corin Reply:
December 28th, 2012 at 3:18 pm

If you’re parents are unreliable, then you stop relying on them. They didn’t make you rely on their promises. You chose to even though they were “always breaking promises”. Taking responsibility means taking responsibility for making really crappy choices. Relying on your parents promises seems to be a really crappy choice. Make a better choice the next time they promise something.

I never relied on my parents because I couldn’t. That was not an option. I moved out at 19 and I had only managed to save up two months rent after 4 years (busboy at age 15 and various jobs after that) and no job. I had 3 weeks to find a job or else I wouldn’t have been on the streets. Moving back home was not an option.

My parents fled to the US when I was 5. My parents worked all the time just so we could eat. We grew up very poor. Which was why I moved out at 19 and got a job at movie theater. I didn’t have money to go to college and they didn’t have enough money for me to stay home. I’m 42 now. I’ve been married 16 years and have two wonderful kids (one INFP and one E??J – too early to tell). I’m hoping I can “retire” by 55 so I really can’t complain about how bad I had it or how bad my parents’ parenting skills were. They did the best they could with what they had to work with which wasn’t much.

Unless your parents beat you worse than mine, I let very few people play the my-childhood-was-bad card. At some point, everyone has to stop blaming their parents for how crappy their life is at the moment in order to move ahead. My parents weren’t the best parents in the world but they are awesome grandparents and Christmas a few days ago with them and my siblings was one of the highlights of my year.

So what if other people are lazy and got ahead the easy way. I don’t know these people. They aren’t making my life worse in any way. What does their life have anything to do with mine? How does anyone else’s “easy” success have anything to do with our own successes or lack of success? Life’s unfair. Yeah, I learned that at age 5. So what?

Alice Reply:
January 20th, 2013 at 12:51 am

I took the MBTI test, a few times, and I got mostly got INFP or INFJ. I am not even sure which stage I am at according to those stages. I went to university and I have an Economics degree, but I work in a call centre doing surveys …

Recently I started taking writing courses at the community college. Possibly somewhere between Stage 4 and 5 ?

I would like to be a writer, but if I fail, Id be inconsolable.

Both failure and success are possible outcomes, but I like what was said in stage 5 about trying until you get the outcome you want.

I am not sure I will ever find the answer though, that I know all of us are looking for. Do we keep searching for it until it until we die , yet never find it ?

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Aashir Reply:
November 25th, 2013 at 11:15 am

Hi,

I also fall in that catagory called “trying to be a writer” and i have same INFP personality reading. Recently i wrote a novel. To my utter disgrace, it was refused by publishers to an extent that i just gave up writing. It was however a year later that i wrote a short story. After reading it thrice, i didnt get a single place to edit. It was at that moment i found the answer to your question. But alas! Story doesnt end there. Few more weeks passed and i thought of being story writer. To my horror I couldnt proceed beyond six tales and since then i have been considering every possibility of adding new story to my collection……..but failed…everytime. Sometime its just not enough to have known yourself. There are times when you feel that you are just too excellent to handle a thing and regretfully things go wrong.We definitely wont die searching for an answer but probably we may find the answer so late that our conscience wont allow us to pursue that road. After all…….so many years have passed…and death bed is waiting with numerous obligations to address!

Kersten Reply:
December 5th, 2017 at 2:50 pm

Don’t be inconsolable! You can expect to fail at first. They’ve done studies and people have to practice things a very large number of times before they master it. I am a writer, but it took me years to succeed. I’ve had a couple of books published, written for magazines, and now I am a marketing writer. I found I HATED being the center of attention to market my books. It took me years to figure out how I wanted to practice writing. Now I like marketing because I can write, but I’m not in the spotlight (INFP’s usually hate the spotlight). I think you can expect that it will take you awhile to get good at it, and you will fail along the way…but eventually you will succeed if you persist long enough. My advice is to keep practicing it as a hobby until you succeed…and maybe even then (writing doesn’t pay well…at least fiction). But never give up…even if it takes 25 years or more.

I know all about stage 4. It just seems like no matter how I treat people they never want to be around me. I respect their personal space wait for them to invite me places or talk to me: never happens. I try and be forward with people, I invite them out for a drink etc they ignore me or go for a drink with me a few times then don’t speak to me for 2 months. I just don’t get what people want from me.

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Kersten Reply:
December 6th, 2017 at 10:03 am

I think INFP’s are at their social best when they are helping people. Small talk is not their forte because they like deep conversation, which is sometimes uncomfortable for other people in a small talk situation. I have found the most success building relationships with people I am helping at work and at church. I would say volunteer. Be part of a team. Friendships will naturally develop as you work together toward a common goal.

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INFgirl Reply:
August 6th, 2018 at 9:23 pm

Very good advice. 🙂

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Damn, I feel like I regularly go through the five stages :/

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Thanks for writing “Five Stages of INFP.” It’s a creative use of EKR’s model, and several points apply directly to my life. I especially liked your point on the distinction between contentment and fulfillment. I, too, am an INFP writer recently having passed 40 and having published his first book. So even your examples jumped out at me.

Ah, the balance and tension between the ideal and the real, between poetry and prose, between vision and sight. I think one of the main themes of this piece is the importance of being dedicated to reality and its rules, as opposed to being seduced by idealistic dreams. Still, you end the entry by encouraging people to make their dreams real. Some form of synergy and balance between what is and what might be, between external rules and internal rhythms, between being realistic about the outside world and being authentic to the inside world, is probably best for most INFP’s. Too much internal focus and idealism and one’s life tends to come crashing down; too little internal focus and too little idealism and life tends to grow stale and soulless. There is, of course, no exact recipe for reaching that balance, or even one balance point for all. One of my perpetual quests is to find a good balance on such matters for my life.

Thanks again for writing the piece. I found it insightful and relevant. And it was good to be reminded of some arguments for disciplining oneself to the strictures of the real.

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It’s funny because reading the 5 stages is so much like me that I want to copy it and just show people what I’m about so I don’t have to try to explain what’s happening in my head!

The funny thing is that I’m actually part of all stages but my 5th stage of working out the common denominator to my demise is myself has been horrid as I’m trying to fix EVERYTHING about myself at once. And a word of caution: don’t! I have very high standards of what I believe I should be, look, act, work as, etc. and since I’m constantly contradicting myself, I’m not achieving my goals and constantly punish myself and punish others for not noticing how much potential I have! Of course, I’ve left out the part that I’m not willing to really give ANYTHING a go because the risks outweigh the possible benefits. Meh, I’m more of an INFP than I actually thought!

Honestly, all I want is to be a multi-millionnaire where all I have to do is just .. do nothing! Read, sleep, eat and just get massages daily and hot spas. Yep, that’s all I want 🙂

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ockhamdesign Reply:
March 28th, 2010 at 1:34 am

I’ve been wanting to be a multi-millionaire since I was 15. Trust me. They don’t read, sleep and eat all day. If you get the chance, read Robert Kiyosaki’s Cash Flow Quadrant and T Harv Ecker’s The Millionaire Mind. Most people including me live 95% of our lives in the Employment (E) Quadrant. Truly wealth people live in the Investment (I) Quadrant. Wealthy people do one thing well which is manage their money.

For example, if you have 800K(principal) for pure investment and knew how to make 10% a year with it, then you’d be living off of 80K(interest) per year minus capital gains. If you read the Millionaire Next Door, the stats show that most millionaires save their way to 800K, making less than 100K/year. That of course is the less risky way where people have moved their money from the Employment Quadrant over to the Investment Quadrant (IRA, investment accounts, property) over the years.

This basically says means you need two skills. The skill to make or save 800K and the skill to make 10% yearly from the principal.

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Anna Reply:
March 28th, 2010 at 1:44 am

I see.. very interesting indeed..! I may pop over to the library tomorrow and have a read. I do agree with you though (in all aspects). Sometimes I forget I have to shift my thought process and focus. Definitely food for thought… will let you know how I go!

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Jennifer M. Reply:
May 9th, 2010 at 8:42 pm

Lol. I too long to be a multi-millionaire and have nothing to do but read, sleep, and eat. 😉 In my ideal world….

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slughog Reply:
June 27th, 2010 at 9:24 pm

i’ve often considered another way to achieve a lifestyle of “read, sleep, and eat” – prison! and it’s easier to get there than becoming a multi-millionaire and could possibly be fun! i’m thinking some fraud scheme to scam the credit card companies and travel the world and then chill in white-collar prison and read for years! paradise!

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Niki Reply:
April 5th, 2011 at 3:16 am

Great thought,
to be honest, I sometimes even indulged in a ‘dark’ thought like this..
so when you’re successful at it, please let me know how 🙂

I accept the responsibility of the choices I make in life. And I can choose how I will respond to a situation. I do not take responsibility for every situation that happens. Six years ago my husband and I were in an auto accident. We had our blinker on waiting to turn into where we live. A person in a convertion van dropped her cell phone and rammed 50-mph into the back end of us pushing us head-on into an oncoming truck also going about 50mph. We survived. Our car didn’t have airbags.

My husband has TBI and is now a different person than he was. He has no affect and is kind of like a big kid that only thinks of himself. I was told he is just like this now and I have to accept this. I am learning to let go of the old him. The new him and I are friends. I have no physical attaction to him. I also suffered in the accident. I had multiple fractures in my spine and ribs and sacrum. I have cronic pain. I can no longer do hairstyling. Which at the time I had my own business. I am different too.

One week after the accident my eldest brother committed suicide. A month after the accident, my mentally ill son ran away to florida to live on the beach. He had found out that his girlfriend was pregnant also while I was still in the hospital.

All of this made me realize that “control” is a myth. I have no control what others are going to do. I can only control how I respond. And then I have to give myself a break because it’s ok to go through those stages you mentioned. You have to go through them.
I actually go back and forth sometimes. I’m ready to heal, but my body is still in pain. I try to smile despite the pain. It’s a constant reminder of the accident.

At 46 I am back in school. I want to be a social worker to help others. Have have self-douts because some days I get so tired and am in such pain that it’s difficult to do anything. Other days I feel great, and as long as I don’t over do it Im fine.
I’m thankful I didn’t die. I now have three grandkids that came after all of this that have given me such joy.

I have to say though that the last six years have been the biggest growth spirt for me. I’ve learned not to take anything for granted. I was very active, healthy and spiritual person when this happened. I know God is teaching me something. Many things. First of all I have to take care of me. Then I can help others.

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ockhamdesign Reply:
May 3rd, 2010 at 9:58 am

Mostly, I just accept my past and accept that my present becomes beyond my control the moment it becomes my past. For me, accepting responsibility is about deciding how I feel about my present and my future. History isn’t destiny.

It’s stories like yours that let me know how resilient INFPs can be. I find that once INFPs find the reason to our lives, we have the strength of will to succeed no matter what life brings our way.

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ruby Reply:
August 27th, 2010 at 12:03 am

this makes me cry…really…the pain that you went through is too much…i even don’t think i could handle that…but your reaction towards it is so brave…not many people can do that…to stood amidst the storms of life with positivity regardless of deep past hurts…

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This is such a fascinating topic and discussion thread. I think really I’m in all of the first stages – is that even possible? Lol. I rarely find myself in the 5th stage – usually I am too concerned with worrying about why my ideal life is not my real life or trying to make a decision about what to do next. I guess as long as we don’t get stuck and grovel in our depression isn’t not so bad to cycle through these stages. Sometimes I think life is meant to be a journey. We may not always know where we’re headed, but getting there can be pretty interesting sometimes.

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Jennifer M. Reply:
May 9th, 2010 at 8:46 pm

(Meant to say… all of the first four stages)

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I think you are right about everything.
I was thinking about that last stage. I think it’s the most painful stage. I do think “It’s my fault” and “I’m responsible” are different. The difference is very subtle, but significant. I think the former is not complete acceptance, but an emotional realization, whereas the latter is mature acceptance, it’s learning to live with the realization.

The problem is that I always get stuck on “It’s my fault,” which leads to self loathing and all kinds of negative emotions. How does one break that barrier and look to the future?

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Corin Reply:
August 7th, 2010 at 12:38 am

For me, if I do something, if I keep busy, I stop thinking about it. I try not to dwell on my life. I rarely look at the past specifically, ie I should have done this this and this. I look at the past generally, in 5 years chunks where I remember where I was and where I went.

I focus on doing things that I enjoy. I focus on being present and aware of myself as I’m doing it and try to stay in my body instead of just in my head. It’s always the next step and thinking what’s the one thing that I can do today that makes me better. Sometimes, that one thing is part of a long-term goal.

Right now, I’ve been really down on myself for not failing more – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45mMioJ5szc

When I’m not failing then I’m just coasting and playing it safe.

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Wow. Thanks for this post! I feel like I’m gearing to self-improvement with your posts. 😉 I can now associate this one to the 6 needs in your other post and try to trace back on why i am shifting from stage 4 and stage 5 but mainly staying on stage 4 most of the time. Then I try to think on what need i am lacking (the probable reason on why i am depressed) and try to make up for it and do something about it. although most of my plans backfire, i will think that at least i made an effort in trying to make up for that lack of need which made me depress. but sometimes i’ve noticed it’s force of nature that fulfills that need. i dunno if its just me or does this happen to anyone as well. especially if you are like caught in a vicious cycle of monotonous events and then you’re exhausted and then suddenly something good happens. this usually happens after i pray. it’s as if my prayer has been answered. which makes me really happy.

also, i’ve noticed when i read my past journals in high school, it was full of anger..i was like blaming everyone for the bad results happening to my life..geeh this is truer than i expected…i’ve been through stage 2 during my high school days..probably stage 1 during my elem..then in college i went through stage 4 and a little of stage 3..and then right now shifting from stage 4 and stage 5…but maybe i’m shifting through all the stages right now..i’m probably not aware of it…

i’m thinking that stage 5 can be achieved when you have a lot of time for yourself alone which can go back to your other post about finding time for solitude…not only for authenticity but for learning acceptance…

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Corin Reply:
August 27th, 2010 at 10:39 am

Thank you so much for sharing. I think INFPs sharing their experiences and struggles is much more valuable in getting people to change than my posts. I give deduction and explanation. But people commenting about going through the same thing, gives other INFPs hope.

I think that the routine suck up you life at any stage. Deliberate change is the only way to rebel against the tyranny of the routine.

The monotonous day-to-day takes a time to become a vicious cycle. It’s has to allowed to grow to get to that point. I’ve been starting to interrupt routines by driving different routes home. I just have to do one thing different in my routine each day in order to force a shift. It’s kind of like rocking your car back and forth when you’re stuck in snow. Sitting in a different chair at dinner or eating outside instead, each little change is me rocking the car of my life out of that snowy rut of routine.

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I come from a dysfunctional family with the history of domestic violence. I was able to cope with these issues by concentrating my energies in creative pursuits like art and dance. Whereas my aggression got a healthy outlet as I played for my school’s basketball and swimming team. I was an ambivert at that time. Though, I had issues relating to people but I could participate in social activities.

Losing my best/boy friend was the biggest setback in my life. That happened when I was just sixteen. I got to know about his demise after he was cremated and I did not get to say my last goodbyes to him. My mom knew we both were very attached, so she thought it would be in my best interest if I was given this news a little later as I might have gone into a shock.

That was the time I remember turning into a complete introvert/recluse. I had been angry with my mum for not letting me see him one last time.I dont even have his photo. All I have his vague image which are fading day by day. Sometimes, I feel like sketching his face so a to remember what he looked like. I have forgiven my mom as I realize now that she did what she thought would have been best for me.

I somehow graduated from high school and wanted to take up medical profession. I wanted everyone should get immediate help in case of emergency as my friend died on the spot in a road traffic accident. I took up physical therapy as major in college. I too face difficulties maintaining grades but managed to graduate somehow. But was totally disenchanted since the third year of my study. Meanwhile made a mistake by getting into an abusive relationship. I contracted a disease during my residency. It took me almost five years to get well.

During my health crisis, I witnessed all these stages. (unfortunately I still go back and forth) That was the time I seriously noticed the repeatitive patterns in my life. i attracted intimidating/interrogative partners/friends/colleagues. This happened because I had intimidating dad and interrogative mother. We tend to develop certain energy dynamics in our early childhood(till the age of seven) to cope up with our immediate family. and if we dont correct them we are stuck in what James Redfield describes in his book Celestine Prophecy as ‘control dramas’.

For couple of years I was so weak that all I could do was take bath get ready and eat then sleep. Slowly slowly I regained energy. Lying in the bed all I did was think. this is the time when I seriously questioned my choice of career.I came across a persons views on how one should live his/her life in a forum. That was the turning point. Thats when I read lots of book on self help/non-fiction/spirituality to understand the meaning of life.

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An interesting perspective. I’m in stage four trying to get to stage five. I have passed through all the stages. Stage 1 for me is not so much denial as frustration. Its knowing that I could do something well but you aren’t given the opportunity.When I get the opportunity I usually succeed. The second stage of anger was not so much at the outside world as a release of anger in me. I was angry with myself other people could work out what they wanted to do but I couldn’t. I also released anger at my father (ISTJ). Like many INFPs I didn’t deal with the anger growing up because I wasn’t allowed to. You can’t argue with an ISTJ as a child for two reasons they believe they are always right and two tradition dictates that a father can’t be challenged by his son. I went through hell trying to release this and as it had all been kept in so long it coes out in frightful amounts. As a kid, you are dependent on your parents so you don’t rock the boat. I started to become like an ESTJ I stopped being flexible and started to be inflexible, judgemental, and treat people like they had treated me in the past. Thats why friends avoid you. Because they expect one thing and get another. They don’t like the change. Also I think in this stage you attract all the other ‘angry’ people. I know through my stage I attracted angry ESTJs and INTJS who were going through their own challenges.
Then I went through the bargaining stage, getting out of my life things that were past their use. I stopped drinking alcohol which alters your social life but allows you to think and be clearer.
Now I’m in the depression stage looking for that way to get to stage five. I see light at the end of the tunnel though. I feel like I’m going back to being a INFP child again but this time without all the baggage.
Its giving me great pleasure to read the blog plus all the related posts. Better than therapy 🙂

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Hey all!

It seems like I am in good company. I’m currently stuck between 4 and 5 and have been there for a while. While in college I dreamt of either making movies or going into medicine. Without any money to go to NYC or USC for film I studied premed. After being told my GPA was too low for Med school I ended up doing microbiology and teaching a lab for a year. In the meantime I worked on some short films. After college I moved to Japan to teach and came back for a girl. After studying hard I opened a photography business and moved to NYC and worked with a major celebrity photographer. Unfortunately my dad passed away this year and I had to sell all my equipment and come home (well that and I was going to starve in NYC) so now I’m feeling really stuck. I’m tired of being sort poor and am ready to be responsible and start a well paying and meaningful career, but I’m still at a loss. Its up to starving filmmaker (my passion) medical sales ( no starving.. in fact it can pay very well, but it scares me to become a cog in the wheel) or try for Med school and starve until I’m almost 40 then make truckloads of cash ( and help people) I really feel that self-actualization occurs when you master what you love, but starving to pay the bills in hopes of making a ” hit” movie or book a la j k Rowling seems to be more of a fantasy at this point. Any suggestions on a path to follow?

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Coincidentally and funnily, this article is what I really need right now to read, with all my constant dilemmas now at 28 yrs old.
Much thanks, Corin, and also of all the wonderful comments here.
I feel that I’ve learned a lot.

A big, warm regards from a PersonalityCafe (PC) fellow INFP member! 😀

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I am on Stage 4, almost to Stage 5, like many who have commented. (But I’m only 15..)
Anyway, I just wanted to say this is very insightful and makes a lot of sense. =) Wish I’d read it earlier, so I could have understood a more about stages 1-3 while they were still happening to me- that might have avoided some trouble.

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I’ve been identified as an INFP by online tests more than once. The funny thing is, I don’t identify with any of these ways of thinking. I’m incredibly ambitious, and believe in money. I feel that I do need money to be happy, not just because of the cliche, shallow reasons that you see in the movies, but also because I value the freedom and the potential influence that comes along with it. I will admit that I can be beyond intense, and am a naturally deep, analytical thinker, but I can also be charismatic, relaxed and quite adventurous. I’m not really the most gentle human being either. I think I’m really midway between and ENFP and and INFP. I don’t know what to call myself!

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good article. definitely been 4 of these stages more than once. I am 21 and occasionaly i feel them all at almost. whats funny is from 13 to 18 i wanted to be depressed and angry because it seemed…authentic. But when i actually got here, i found out i desperately wanted to go back. I think one thing that is a challenge for me is accepting age. I dont want to be any older.

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I’m in stage 3. Basically it’s an attempt to cope with having screwed up some vital things in my life (finances and my love life). Depression will likely be in my future, and when it comes, I’ve got to survive it. But I also want to TRULY learn from my regrets…as in, change my behavior!

On the plus side, my friendships are solid and I’m not compromising my morality (anymore).

One part of this blog entry doesn’t ring true for me — the dissatisfaction with friendships part. I would believe that some INFPs have problems with friends (being dissatisfied with them, et cetera), but I cannot say that is the case for me. I’d really like to suggest that if INFPs are having friendship problems, it may be because they don’t know the right people. I’ve been blessed to have befriended extremely awesome feeling types…INFPs, a ENFP, INFJs, an ISFJ. I met a lot of them at my liberal arts school. The liberal arts school was not a very good choice, financially, but it was an excellent choice, socially. And from this I really ought to conclude that I don’t make exceptional decisions nor terrible ones. I’m really somewhere in the middle. The boring, factual, uncertain middle. 😉

Does anyone know if there’s a way to exit the cycle? To avoid the suffering associated with being an INFP who learns things “the hard way?” Should we draw on the practices and talents associated with other types? (Like an STJ’s emphasis on facts?) And how essential is it to find our role in life?

PS I’m a 22 year old INFP.

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i have no clue if I’m an infp or not. these systems seem so limiting, but i did find some wisdom in what you say until step five. maybe I’m not there yet, but fully accepting responsibility seems to be mindless. it’s an act of denial in itself as far as i can see. we’re all partially responsible for the world, but each action and result requires many minds.

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repeats of stage 1 and 4 into repeats of stage 3 and 4 for as long as i have known, i feel hopeless, guilty, and very confused

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I was cycling through these. Every time I got to depression, I would look up type information to make me feel better about myself, which would start the entitlement all over again. Having children seems to have made me more responsible. Here I am looking up type info again, but because of my husband having done mbti for the first time, not because I’m looking for an ego boost. This time it is so far not starting the entitlement again. I know that I cannot stay stuck at bargaining and depression is miserable for everyone close to me and myself. I hope I have finally learned acceptance. We shall see what happens when I once more attempt to fit writing into my life. That is a balancing act and what always seems to unbalance me. Anyway, Thank you for the insight. I will show this to my sister as well. She has had a harder time of it than me.

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stephen, this may be bad news to you. I am just beginning to feel that I am beginning stage 5. I’m am starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. I am almost 32. From others I have talked to, it seems there is some sort of settling, mellowing that happens around age 30. Not sure if it is so for everyone… I also have had kids which forced me into stage 3 and made me stay there for a while, instead of heading back to stage 1 for another round.

It may be that you will mature faster than me… or maybe not. Either way, stick with it. Things will improve eventually. If you do get to the depression stage, remember that there is one after it, one of balance and peace… and try not to lash out in frustration at your loved ones when you are so hurt and angry that you cannot at the moment follow the calling of your heart. It will seem like it is them holding you back, but it’s not. They cannot change what they are and they will not understand your NEED or your sudden anger or sadness.

You may need to go through the cycle many times before breaking through. The most important thing, I think, is to understand that you are no more gifted than anyone else on earth, merely different. Though I paid lip service to this, I never really believed it. I couldn’t. My self esteem demanded that I be special. I think finally, truly understanding this makes the cycle of returning to entitlement stop.

I hope this makes sense, and I hope it helps you. I do not know if it would have helped me, or if only time and experience help. If nothing else, hold on and keep the faith for better days.

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Stephen Reply:
April 5th, 2013 at 10:38 pm

@EricaM:

Thanks so much for your thoughtful response, Erica. I read it several times, slowly and carefully.

I needed (and need, present tense) to hear your words about not lashing out at my loved ones. I *really* needed to hear them, actually. I’m a terror around my family sometimes; I know they’ll put up with it, so I haven’t totally outgrown it. …*yikes* It’s a problem of mine that I haven’t taken seriously or deeply considered. I hope that your description of the feeling (the hurt, the anger, the need, the sadness) will help me identity that feeling when it arises in the future, so that I can get a grip on myself before I snap.

What you say about “specialness” is deep. I have thought about it before, many times. I’m somewhere between paying lip service and accepting it, but I have definitely not fully accepted it yet. I hope that I’m on the threshold, but I’m simultaneously terrified, too. It seems like nothing short of a paradigm change!

Maybe this acceptance (“different, but not special/more gifted/exempt”) is a sign of the maturation of our inferior function, Te? That’s how I like to frame it in my mind.

I know what you mean when you say that you’re not sure whether your advice would have helped the former you. That’s the weird thing about personality maturation. Thanks again! I am not sure when I’ll mature to Stage 5, but the least I can do is fake it till I make it. I know intellectually what it looks like to accept personal responsibility, and that’s way better than nothing. Without MBTI and blogs such as this one, I would probably be more deeply entrenched in common INFP problems. I feel lucky.

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Liz Reply:
May 14th, 2018 at 2:18 am

@EricaM, thank you for your comment, for thinking aloud. It helps me face whichever stage(s) I am going through. I have trouble accepting that I am “no more gifted than anyone else” and even envy my friends who have kids because they’re “automatically” pushed to become more mature. But I am almost tasting the power of taking responsibility and accepting how much time it takes to mature. 😌 Your thoughts helped me.

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Interesting read and good move to change “it’s my fault” to “I am responsible”. I know that the first one would harm some of us while reading it, making me unable to identify with the idea it tried to convey, thus not being able to go through the last stage. In the past it would be too easy to manipulate me or better make me angry by always blame myself. I don’t want to see it as someone’s fault not even theirs, it’s everybody’s fault and nobody at the same time, I don’t like blame. “I am responsible” is better and currently I am thinking it like this: “Ok,. this is the world and those are my needs and sometimes they don’t match together so you are responsible, whether you want to adapt slightly less or slightly more or act differently. I won’t blame you either way, just make a choice and keep it firm and accept the consequences and move on.”

I like your blog very much. While I have found myself being an INFP many times ago, only recently I got my attention back and reading some of your posts made me finally understand more how all these things are connected with my self and my past obsessions, setting big ideal goals for what I want to become and never reaching them, and it even gives me new insights on my Pure-O OCD struggle. I have been in doubt sometimes whether I did mistakes on my MBTI tests and am biased towards this, but reading your posts makes me understand I am really an INFP. The struggle of an idealistic person with his imperfect self in an imperfect world. Sometimes they call me a perfectionist but it’s not perfectionism in action, it’s perfectionism in dreams. That’s why failing to achieve most of what I dreamed of makes me feel bad.

So much to say, I am happy to finally understand way more about myself, already thinking how can I move on so that I am content without changing much my nature. Maybe I should reflect on this and also read more to find out.

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I’m at ENTJ trying to deal with an INFP who seems stuck between stages 1 & 2. He’s a musician, a friend of many mutual friends, and I think basically a decent person, but he’s making me crazy. He writes long rambling emails about “vibes” that border on conspiracy theories. He constantly creates drama (that I have to clean up) between others by spreading (incorrect) narratives spun from his peculiar impressions. He complains about being excluded from the shows I help run, but he’s unreliable and doesn’t want to bother with the established process to get booked. I’ve gently explained to him that he has a unique perspective and might want to do more reality-checking, but he just blinks rapidly, looks kind of bewildered, then goes back to his story. I realize he has a homeopathic level of anger detection and I really do try to stay calm and nice… but, hey, I’m an NT rational and this guy who lives in an alternate universe and blames others because he feels victimized yet is unable/unwilling to examine any of his own stuff pushes all my buttons. Please help! I would truly welcome any advice from INFPs.

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“When reality forces us to wake up, it feels a little like dying.”

Spot on. I am 24 and work in an IT company for past two years. I did my Bachelor of Computer Engineering after which I got this job.

I did well in the first year. Learnt a lot, performed well. But I was too rigid, believing in my ideals of how people should behave. Also I was extremely stressed because of this. It all came together in a massive depression attack that made me feel suicidal. I was like that for around 8 months last year. I eventually survived, somehow 🙂

Oh sure, I “grew” up. But does that mean it gets any easier? At this point I am not sure. Not even sure if life wants me to remain alive.

Sorry for the spill-out, I think you have written quite well. Cheers.

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sorry should have posted to one you responsed to… your on the right track of thinking 🙂

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S!*# 85 comments…

{I changed “It’s my fault” to “I’m responsible”} gladly, I’ve discovered I’m already in stage 5 so good news… I guess. (watched a funny Youtube film about it a few days ago).
I have figured I can’t be blamed for everything already, and coming from social anxiety that’s a big change. but than again I’m almost 30 so it was probably a longer way than most people. but you know, INFP, we take our time… to figure things out…
I’m definitely not depressed anymore but I still have a hard time accepting thing as they are. I forgot where I was going with this, you don’t know my history so… (yea I like the three dots I’m INFP, I think I’m letting it get to me). I know what I need to do but, it will make a lot of people close to me anxious, but F@&% it… I guess.
oh and sorry for all the $%^&… you know…

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I just wanted to say thank you. This really helped.

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Great stuff, here. I had almost forgot what it was like to relate this archetype, but I am seeing it again. Thank you for adding so much wisdom to your words, they are deeply appreciated.

I’ve been through steps 1-4 my whole life, and it wasn’t until recently that I began realizing step 5 actually was a thing, as well as the truth in all of this.
You’re right, it’s nobody’s fault for being who they are, and in fact I finally realized that’s the only basic need I truly have, to feel accepted. You have a rare way of conveying self responsibility, and as someone who has lived in a lot of different dreamworlds, I say that your words have weight.

Bless all your hearts,

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Hey Corin! This is my first ever post on any website or forum ever! The five stages of INFP is the first entry I read from your blog and it has had the most profound impact of almost anything I’ve ever read. I like many other INFP’s have been stuck in career purgatory, constantly self internalizing, trying to figure out what I can do that bring me happiness and fulfills my 6 critical needs. Each job I’ve had I expected perfection and with such unreasonable expectations when I made the eventual mistake no matter how small, it was devastating and sent me into spiral of self doubt and feelings of unmitigated failure. I’ve learned to control that feeling somewhat but I seem to still be in search of my career path, I’ve arrived at becoming a L.C.S.W (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) or something in business particularity dealing with advertising and media since I’ve been attracted to field ever since I was young and I do have more then 10,000 hours watching TV lol. Both paths have there benefits and there faults, Social Worker would require me going back to school for my masters and then two years of supervision to become certified and the cost both financial and opportunity is pretty significant and going the advertising, media route is competitive and I’m still unsure what specific career or job title I wish to have. Thanks for the blog, it has helped me at least narrow my search to two career fields where there seemed to be infinite possibilities!

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Hehe moreover I have to add that all your sentences are like a singing for my Ne. I think that you are able to somehow waking up funny silent happiness-My Intuition is telling me that:-) like becouse of get through here people can meet a Performer who can sing a sweet lullaby for their flaring-conflict existences. And you know?- it is just great becouse you are so true in what you’re writing and authentic/ open for people who may suffer a lot but nessesary. People can think more racionally and enjoy life’s lessons and mistakes more than avoid or feel guilty of them and be optymism about future and excited about the taking responsibility of their actions, decisions, choices, body and purpose. Aaaaah:D!! I’m not gonna look for anything else for now. THANK YOU

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Oh and I’m sorry for my honesty if its offended anyone especially the writer. I do understand the helpfulness intended behind these stages being written here

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Well this made me feel like shit about my INFP status….I was proud to be a dreamer. This just gives us a bad name, if it weren’t for us dreamers this world would be a very boring place. We are not lazy or irresponsible, we are the creatives of the world. We come up with the ideas that non INFPs carry out. We just have our own way of expressing our depth of creativity and that way is usually not accepted or detected by non INFPs.

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Carol Reply:
December 26th, 2013 at 1:35 pm

Don’t feel bad, Jenna. We are the dreamers and idea seeker of this world, and thank goodness we are. I agree with you… If it weren’t for INFP, this place would be a dry, tasteless, and bland place. The reason why it’s hard for us to fit into this world is because we appear to have been born with our “lights turned on”, so to speak. To use a well known movie analogy, we took the “red pill”. Society believes that we are the ones that are delusional and living in a dream world and that to achieve happiness in this world, you must fit in and conform. Let them believe the lie! The western world runs on money/possessions and how much or how little you have is a (false) reflection of how happy and successful you are (or should be). This is a very old lie that has been spoon-fed by the “has” to the “has not” to enslave them to work like mindless drones, keep the economic wheel turning and their coffers full. Until one wakes up, one keeps believing this is “the way” and yet, never finds true happiness and always feels something is “off” or wrong. Happiness comes from accepting your values and living a life of authenticity… Even if this means you don’t quite fit in by societies standards. Know yourself, be yourself and things start falling into place.

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this seems like a guilt trip for introverts. To surrender the fantasy that allows the most clinically depressed to smile at least once out of the day. To feel guilty about dreaming unrealistically and feel terrible for not attempting 24/7 to make that unrealistic dream an actual reality. I can’t be bothered with another ‘IF I CAN DO IT THEN YOU CAN TOO’, its common for someone to want the approval of others who refuse to care about the world inside of them. I don’t like those self help books that read ‘ I AM SO GLAD TO NOT BE ONE OF THE LOSERS ANYMORE’ and become condescending. infps are so easily intimidated that anyone of them can read this and automatically believe it’s true. Its just another moment that brings self doubt and an even lower self esteem when obsessively thinking about reality until they are so worn down in depression. I can’t see how one can control the reactions of a chemical imbalance, perhaps depression isn’t intense enough for people to take it seriously. why if schizophrenia was common among infps then maybe people would take it seriously. the solution isn’t to stick with something that can make you unhappy and uncomfortable as possible because you’re grown. I do believe that what you do every single hour of the day won’t guarantee happiness and meaning for the rest of your life

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Corin Reply:
January 9th, 2014 at 8:22 am

It’s not about feeling ” guilty about dreaming unrealistically”. It’s about saying I fully accept the results and outcomes I get for dreaming unrealistically.

If what you’re currently doing is giving you the life you always wanted then of course, keep doing it.

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Niki Reply:
January 9th, 2014 at 11:34 pm

I can actually totally understand what michelle said here. In fact, I can say that I completely relate to her (and perhaps some, or many INFPs too who are feeling similar like this)..

I’ve finally learned that even INFPs are different from each other.

There’s what I call the “more realistic” INFPs, like the OP Corin (and yes, perhaps in this so-called ‘reality/real-world’, they’re also viewed as the “more grown-up/mature” INFPs who can already “face the real-world/reality”.. whatever..).

But then there’s also the still “more dreamy” type of INFPs, who are more in-touch with their own ‘inner-world/universe’ & universe of their own imaginations.. like Michelle, and me myself.

For the latter type of INFPs, our ‘motto’ perhaps is like this: “Let’s face it, our imaginations is like a HUNDRED TIMES much more interesting than this boring, very limited Reality/real-world/real-life!”.

So, the ‘problem’ I see then is, when the former INFPs (ie: the “more realistic” INFPs) are trying to counsel, advise the latter INFPs, it’s sometimes no wonder that they end up still disagreeing with each other. Because how can you expect us to “accept Reality & face it, suck it up!” , when we’ve heard this phrase perhaps also a hundred times constantly already, even from the other MBTI types (hint: xSTJ anyone?..), and that we’ve finally agreed that: “No, we WON’T accept reality just simply like this! We will keep finding the much DEEPER meanings in this often boring, harsh, limited reality/real-world/real-life,.. because we somehow deeply believe that there must be MORE to life than simply just “accept reality, suck it up!” and just grind our boring chores & routines & oh, ‘responsibilities’ in the so-called “adult world”..!”. Ha!

Our dreams & imaginations & ‘inner world’ is in fact actually what DEFINES our type “INFP”! So IMHO, there’s no sense at all to deny, reject, and/or suppress it so we can simply ‘keep surviving in this reality/real-world/real-life’ , yet at the very cost of rejecting/denying OURselves..!

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yup Reply:
January 21st, 2014 at 5:00 pm

I totally agree….back when I as still thinking there was something ‘wrong’ with me for not being more like Corin, for not fitting my round peg self into this SJ square peg world because that is ‘responsible’…i believed everything he wrote was showing me the only way to be an INFP in this world….but its not….so glad there are others who are like…um…hey….im just fine as I am….I am NOT as pragmatic and ‘suck it up’ s Corin…but hey….my bills will get paid by me following the calling in my soul…i’ll get so good that I will be able to make it and support myself…and if not I will be happy just being alive in the meantime…..I dont like the tone of a lot of these posts…thanks for commenting….thought it was just me….

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I just want to bump a post by Colleen. I don’t really know how to do that so I’m copying and pasting. It’s such a sweet reminder to love who we are. You can change the wording from its my fault to take responsibility but if the definition still feels the same…? I understand why some people feel guilty and I wish that we would never have to feel this way again. Stay you, stay true.

“I have lived in my INFP skin for almost 60 years and I have found it to be a blessing not a curse. I have a successful career providing the education and support necessary to help others achieve their dreams. I believe in both miracles and magic.
Other people value my insight and point of view. They say I bring peace into the room. I have seen the world through rose colored glasses all my life even though, my life, like yours, has had challenges and pain. I have been sustained by love, hope and faith. Like the toys in the “Velvetine Rabbit”, I have been loved, worn and emerged “real” but always uniquely different.
Celebrate all that is INFP. You may never be deeply understood by anyone but yourself but you have been given the gift of empathy. That gift will help you identify who has the capacity to understand you and allow you to forgive those who don’t so you won’t be hurt.
Enjoy your quest to understand the secrets of the universe, listening to whispers, and seeing what is invisible to others. How cool is that”

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Wow
Read just about every response here and it’s amazing to see so many similarities! I’m in between stage 4-5 now at 46 years old. Actually just started Prozac 2 weeks ago to deal with my own depression stemming from watching wife( bipolar, seizure disorder ), daughter ( profound adhd, bipolar) and son ( add, bipolar?, drug addiction) struggle with multiple suicide attempts, running away ( daughter). I took the Myers-Briggs at 17, but only recently started researching the associating of my ADD I was diagnosed with at 39 years of age. Doctor said he didn’t know how I made it this far without meds. I’ve tried a few but cant stand the side effects. I’ve owned my own business for 21 years partly because I can’t work for someone else. Thanks for putting all this out there. I’m signing off now, getting anxious standing here typing!

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Unfortunately , for moving from depression stage to Acceptance stage , i took cipralex 10 mg , in order to make my life moves on ..
being infp is a hard thing coz you are ganna suffer in ambiguous way without the ability to tell the others about the reasone of your Misery ..
thx for your blog

all love from jordan 🙂

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None of this works in a practical sense. Don’t project your own life on to others of the type.

1) You can simultaneously be in all five stages because you’re talking about the entire spectrum of one’s life (both interactions with the internal world and external world). It does not parallel grief as grief is a matrix of very specific emotions, wants and needs and how that plays out in real life.

2) The Anger stage does not imply lack of self-criticism, you can take all the stuff from the “acceptance” area and place that in anger e.g. asking “I’m to blame for being so useless or redundant. If I had tried harder or been smarter I could have been much happier!” The Anger can eventually be directed at the world because the INFP cannot locate a solution in their surrounding environment (by both their own understanding and volition but also by seemingly non-existent support networks provided by other people).

3) Feeling entitled is not necessarily a fault because it is not necessarily unjust. What if someone earns their company a lot of money via a sale or a project and receive no praise, financial reward or improved career prospects? Are they supposed to just grin and bear it?

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Corin Reply:
May 27th, 2014 at 3:37 pm

1. Grief vs Bereavement – “It is important to understand the differences between the terms “grief/grieving” and “bereavement”. Grief is the psychological-emotional experience following a loss of any kind (relationship, status, job, house, game, income, etc), whereas bereavement is a specific type of grief related to someone dying.”

source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/notes-self/201210/real-stages-grief

The 5 stages have been applied to work loss, relationship loss, etc. Loss of idealization is still loss.

2. I haven’t found any research related to the Anger stage and self-criticism. All the articles I’ve read and the research I did don’t mention anger directed at oneself. Every article mentions anger directed at external factors.

3. I don’t mention the word entitled anywhere in my article.

To answer your question: What if someone earns their company a lot of money via a sale or a project and receive no praise, financial reward or improved career prospects? Are they supposed to just grin and bear it?

You have agency, therefore you have the ability to choose a course of action in response to external stimuli and accept the consequences of those action. Grinning and bearing is an action that produces a result. Other actions will produce other results. Nowhere do I mention that external conditions are fair.

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elle Reply:
June 23rd, 2014 at 5:01 pm

You say entitlement mentality.

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This post takes a bad-conscience approach, it recommends the attempt to do something good out of self-blame.
That’s just as blaming as a world-blaming, resentful approach, imo.
A responsibility-centered approach for this post would take more than merely crossing out “It’s my fault” and replacing it with “I’m responsible.”
My hint is to check out Sartre.
I hope infp’s don’t take this post seriously.

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This was surprisingly, and horribly, accurate. When I started reading the first part, I laughed at how I have said “If I can’t do what I love I’d rather die” a few times. Now I’m only 17 and the emotional progress is a lot for what I’ve been through. At the moment I’m still Stage 1 but only because I’ve always been told I’m “unrealistic” and that always hurt because I always misinterpreted the message. I want to be a writer, but I know it takes work so I’m focused on getting something solid first. Stage 3 sounds very much to me like the previous sentence, but I refuse to think of it as settling, because to me it is fulfillment. Even if owning a cafe isn’t as grand. Or being a psychologist. Haven’t really decided yet.
Now the I’ve done all stages. Now I’m Stage 1 and 5 mindset. Still want writing, but know it takes work. I’ve been 4 a couple times, and honestly a few seconds ago. I just really hate looking at things logically or admitting fault. Officially over 2 because I know what I deserve and I no longer misinterpret how people put things.
I understand the whole take responsibility thing. Not because it’s my fault for what people did, but it’s my fault for putting myself in the position to be upset. Sometimes I think as an infp I perversely enjoy being upset, or sad, because it gives me some kind of comfort. It also reinforces the being alone part.
I’ve found that I can turn off the unhappy switch (only when the thing I’m upset about is unreasonable or small) I just choose not to, because I think if I do the person I believe is at fault wins. When, one you’re happy again, it doesn’t matter.

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I can relate to this big time. I think I am finally waking up to the realities of life…(!). In order to avoid the world of work I did a PhD several years back. After that I drifted and travelled a bit (including nice relaxed jobs) before deciding I should use my PhD, so I managed to get a job as an assistant professor in a university in a developing country. This was a major shock; chaos in the workplace, heavy workloads at times. I managed to stick it out for a few years but I kept fantasising about having a relaxed job and a partner from the same place as me; in the end I was ill a lot and burned out. I quit with nothing lined up. I think I wanted a change but can also see that it’s a waste to leave behind all the academic stuff I’ve done… needless to say I’m in stage 4; I’m considering some anti-depressants (for first time) and a counsellor to get me through to stage 5. Also I fear my career is damaged… ouch!!

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I don’t believe this. I guess I’m in denial then. But it all sounds so depressing, I actually rather keep thinking good thoughts about the world and my life and try to do something about it. I don’t want to give up doing these things that I REALLY want to do. There is no other way for me. What is said here sounds so depressing. Like we have to wake the f up and stand in line just like everyone else, live the same life that everyone else does because that’s the only way. Yes, you’ve already figured me out. But I rather (not die, but) live a minimal life than do the shit everyone else does, living by consumerism with only money in sight.

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yup Reply:
October 31st, 2014 at 10:38 am

agreed…ur not in denial. dont have kids early, you too will have to turn yourself into the writer and constantly take yourself down notches with the goal of security and stability in mind. I get it but this is really not all our story…..its not mine……..I’m with you, dont take this post seriously! Once I decided within me to completely go against his advice and all advice like it, things started changing in the material/external world without me even trying that hard….dont listen to him about following ‘the rules we all have to follow’….fuck that….the more I make my own, the more a new path clears itself for me…its almost magical..because thats what we are, not a bunch of pathological coping mechanisms to be criticized.

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K Baron Reply:
October 31st, 2014 at 12:04 pm

YES! And YES! And keep going! The world needs you/us, whether they make it easy for us or not. People don’t know what’s good for them. They need us INFPs to show them a different way. If that sounds egocentric, I don’t care. We healers have been marginalized again and again, and it’s in NO ONE’s best interest. We are the answer! As our true selves and all the actions that come naturally to us.

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Eva Reply:
November 3rd, 2014 at 3:52 am

Agreed. I like us INFPs =]
One of the few people who resist materialism.

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K Baron Reply:
November 3rd, 2014 at 8:24 am

Eva, and it’s not even hard for us. We’re the mystics and the saints. ; )

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yup Reply:
November 3rd, 2014 at 10:25 am

I’m really glad that there are a minority of self defining INFP’s commenting on this article which I’m sure has been influential on the internet…I bet thousands of INFP’s have read it since Corin published it four years ago. The vast majority of the other commenters agreed with his opinion and thereby, with societal ideals about what we should be doing and about needing to fall in line and accept the way things are. I’m glad to be among dissenting voices, we really, truly are important. If NO ONE stands out, if no one refuses to fit themselves into the system….there is absolutely no hope and nothing will ever change. I used to believe that these stages described my life….but I define my life and my outcomes are seriously not like this. INFP’s….if you have a far fetched dream, BELIEVE IN YOUR DREAM AND YOUR SELF AND GO AFTER IT. You will work wonders….for yourself and for the world, too.

Corin Reply:
November 3rd, 2014 at 10:34 am

Simple question: Are any of you over 31? Married and have a mortgage? Did any of you even pay for your own way through college or did your parents foot the bill? I find it ironic that the ones who complain about materialism are upper-middle classers whose parents paid for their college education.

Are any of you even living on your own without parental support?

After about 5 years of living on your own without any money from parents is when people start understanding that it’s not really about materialism as it is about being able to pay your mortgage, student loans and medical bills on time, and being able to give your kids more options than you had.

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yup Reply:
November 3rd, 2014 at 11:22 am

I am 22 and have been on my own for three years, with absolutely no familial support. I came from straight up poverty in NYC and have never had anything handed to me on a silver platter. However, I am not married and do not have a mortgage. I am mostly talking to younger INFPs that have not settled down with kids and mortgage. Your advice is coming from an older settled INFP perspective which is very useful for people who actually want to embrace that life. Not all INFP’s want that life. And not everyone will have to embrace a traditional work work work lifestyle in which they sacrifice their passion in order to make enough money to take care of themselves and their kids. It is not always stupid, selfish or naive to believe you can do something you are passionate about and live off it. Within a year, I will be living off music, and no its not a pipe dream, it is a reality I will have made real through intention and dedication. It is up to people like me to go against your very well meaning and honestly pretty rational advice if anyone is ever going to do anything extraordinary. I am only commenting so much because I see my former self in all these commenters who are like damnnnn, this person is me, I better hurry up and reach acceptance like everyone else. Since I let go of that mentality, other doors have opened up for me…in ways that aren’t easily explicable. We are the mystics and saints for a reason lol….some of us need to not take your advice and create new paths instead of accepting. If I was 30 with a child obviously I’d feel a lot different but I still have a chance to focus on myself and my passions and I think INFP’s should go after their ‘naive’ goals as much as possible while they can.

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yup Reply:
November 3rd, 2014 at 11:25 am

Your assumptions you make about us say a lot about your mentality, only spoiled brats who don’t know anything about ‘the real world’ can think that way, right? Perhaps you don’t know as much as you think you do about what is possible and what is not.

Corin Reply:
November 3rd, 2014 at 11:40 am

In the article, I say acceptance isn’t about giving up your goals but taking responsibility for goals.

It’s saying maybe I should market my music differently or finding a better way to reach my audience instead of telling yourself the reason why you didn’t book a gig or make sale is because “people” don’t appreciate your art.

It’s about saying my actions produce these results without blaming the world for not giving you the results you want.

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Joachim Reply:
November 4th, 2014 at 2:45 am

I didn’t mean to offend you, I’m sure your post works wonders on a lot of people. Also, as aready stated, if you are married and have housr/kids etc etc.

You are right, I’m not 31. I’m 24. But presuming I’m financially supported by my family is very naive, like that’s the only possible way to make it go around. You just have to fix that on your own. I’m not married. I don’t have a mortgage, or student loans (because I live in Sweden), and I don’t get money from my pears.

It’s very silly of you to think that I come from some sort of upper-class, I’ve come from some sort of lower middle-class where my siblings and I shared rooms and mom (dad wasn’t there) couldn’t afford buying me new shoes even tough she worked her ass off.

But I see that as some sort of strength, and I have, in the last 4 years been standing completely on my own feet, (with the occasional crash at mum’s) traveling almost half of those 4 years.

It’s what you make of it dude. But yeah, of course it’s much harder when you have mortgage, student loans, a house to pay and kids to feed.

That doesn’t mean we will all be in your seat at your age though.

And that doesn’t mean that there is no other way through it.

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Eva Reply:
November 4th, 2014 at 3:09 am

I’m 23, I’ve lived in somewhat poor conditions all through childhood. Now I’m working and studying. I’m still living in my parents house, but financially I entirely support myself. I have a student loan on my name and part of my study cost I have already covered myself. I find it important to support myself and I see that money is important for logical reasons. My problem though is that it’s often going further than what’s necessary, with disregard for what’s right. Luxus items is not a necessity, using other people for financial gain is not right, etc, but that’s what consumerism is generally promoting…
Yeah, I agree that this idealism is more characteristic to young people. However that doesn’t automatically mean it’s a bad thing.

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You are just determined to be a drag. : )

New INFP blog: COMING SOON….

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Corin Reply:
November 3rd, 2014 at 12:59 pm

No, I’m differentiating my blog from all the other infp blogs out there. My opinions tends to be pragmatic which for some unknown reason, some INFPs find useful.

There are some wonderful infps-are-special-you-can-do-anything blogs out there if you do a Google search. That’s where everyone starts is at the other blogs.

My niche is for those who can’t figure out why life didn’t give them everything they ever wanted. For some reason, INFPs don’t want to write about pragmatism but someone has to. It might as well be me.

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K baron Reply:
November 3rd, 2014 at 2:58 pm

I respect that. I wonder if there’s a way for us to be practical without feeling like we have to pretend to be someone else. It produces a lot of anxiety and shame to behave like someone you’re not, even if you’ve successfully convinced the rest of the world. I don’t think we deserve to live with that shame, and I don’t believe God makes mistakes, so I don’t think we’re broken versions of other types. I don’t think the world needs more revered entrepreneurs or successful athletes. Good for them, but that thinking really buys into the competitive / aggressive model that the world cannot sustain. Enter the infp. New thinking. New values. New Earth. Maybe? A little shred of truth to it?

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Corin Reply:
November 3rd, 2014 at 4:13 pm

A majority of people go online for two reasons: to be entertained or to solve a problem.

Your blog should do either. If you find that my blog isn’t encouraging than that’s a problem that you should solve.

I have Google Analytics for this blog and it lets me know what people search for when they get to this blog. Most often it’s people wanting answers to questions:

– Why do I keep changing majors when I thought my last one would make me feel fulfilled when I started?

– Why don’t I have really good friends anymore?

– How do I find time for myself, with kids or family or friends requiring so much of my time?

– Why haven’t I gotten the results I wanted?

What I’ve noticed is people don’t really care about new thinking. They just want simple results like love, happiness and fulfillment in their lives. If new values and new thinking helps people achieve those things then you’re blog will be a huge success.

Does my blog help people get any of those things? Yes and no. I write a “why” blog not a “how-to” blog, explaining why things are as I see them.

Why don’t I have friends? Well here’s my opinion based on the research from Brene Brown, PhD as I see applied to INFPs.

Why do I keep changing my mind about things that use to make me happy? Well here’s my opinion based on the research done by Dan Gilbert out of Harvard.

Even this post is my opinion on a basic question: why do some INFPs resent the world while others don’t? Here’s my opinion based on the research of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.

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K Baron Reply:
November 3rd, 2014 at 5:21 pm

Fair enough. It just goes to show how much variation in points of view there are even within the same type.

yup Reply:
November 3rd, 2014 at 6:51 pm

Variation indeed. I haven’t seen an INFP talk and write so clinically, I find it pretty surprising. I think INFPs resent the world because they see right through the bullshit of modern society, as they should. Walking analytical anecdotes we are, if we don’t get too bogged down by pragmatism and by comparing ourselves negatively to others and looking for ‘solutions’ to who we are as if it is a problem, the approach here absolutely reeks of that. From all you’ve said, K Baron, I for one don’t think your blog will simply be for ‘entertainment’ lol. I’m leaving this comments section since obviously how I see the world is too magical for this blog. I’d love to connect with you over email, you can reach me at cfoxworth@wesleyan.edu if you’d like.

Wow, I certainly needed to read this. It’s encouraging to know this about INFPs. But it’s also somewhat frustrating. I am still 50% deep in EACH ONE of these stages at the same time, but I’m also doing all of what is mentioned to leave these stages. I am guessing… It takes a really long time for the changes to come? Been doing this for 9 years and had some positive but very short lived success. Am I just sleep walking? Or worse am I just awake-walking dreamer?

Is it because my real dreams and ideals involve taking over the world, and I’m too afraid of the consequences of the methods I’d need to use? Or are they not really my dreams and I’m just afraid to admit I want my princess charming to come rescue me via some romantazied epic battle of redemption after is brought the world to its knees?

And wow after just typing that out loud I think it might be the latter.

Or maybe it’s that my only real goal/dream/want is to fly free without aids of any kind assisting my flight (maybe I would be satisfied with cybernetic wings since It seems unlikely I will grow a functional pair?).

It’s definitely that last one btw. But it felt streamlining to say it out public ally and admit to it. My ideals mostly align with minimalism, compassion, integrity. I know I have to kill/let go of integrity to let go of all of my ideals but it just screams at me that it’s wrong!

Seriously HOW do I just let it go?
Or maybe it’s HOW specifically do you wake up, if you are doing all the things here that are supposed to wake you up? What am I missing, or failing to see here?

I KNOW it’s my failure to understand, and I’m glad I am wrong here, but damn I really need someone to point out exactly what (things?) I am failing to see or do. I could really use a more expanded and highly specific, planing for all possible peculiar complications, explanation :/

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This post reeks of conformism and ostrich policy. It’s also a longer version of saying “I’m dead inside by INFP standards”
That eventual responsibility and control you preach of, is an illusion nothing more. People don’t choose their parents, the wealth and environment they’re born into, whom they’re attracted to, their skin color or their gender among a lot of other things. Yet these things shape and influence them throughout life.
Your false ideology disgusts me, that is all.

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Corin Reply:
January 24th, 2015 at 9:58 am

So basically you’re saying that because a person isn’t born with all the advantages of someone else, they aren’t responsible for the choices they make. So if you aren’t born pretty, it’s not up to you to find a good relationship — the universe has to bring you someone. If you weren’t born rich then you’re predestined to be stuck at a job that you don’t like. It’s all the world’s fault that you aren’t not getting everything you ever wanted. I’m sorry to have to tell you this but unless you’re the 1% of the 1%, then everyone else is trying to live their dreams the best they can and they don’t have time to make yours come true for you.

I knew someone decades ago who all he wanted as a loving girlfriend. He did delivered pizzas for low pay and lived in his parents basement. He blamed girls for only liking guys with money even though his exes paid for their dates. He was depressed and moody and had a temper. He asked for my advice so I suggested that he should probably take responsibility for his temper and stopped yelling at his girlfriends for a start and treat them nicer. He didn’t what to hear that of course. He didn’t want to change and take responsibility that his actions were producing his results. He didn’t want to be a “conformist” like all those other people in relationships. He just wanted to be accepted for the jerk that he was. So instead he blamed the world and girls for not accepting him for who he was.

You can choose to take responsibility for the choices you make or you can blame the world saying, all I get is crappy choices like changing your behavior. The world doesn’t make you conform because the world doesn’t care. The decisions you make produce outcomes. If you don’t like the outcome then make a better decision. If you don’t like your choices then find a way to get better choices. If you don’t know how, then learn how instead saying there are no better choices, instead of blaming the world for not giving you everything.

Sorry, but I grew up been poor and decided I didn’t like so I did some thing about it. Ever grow up as refugee in Nebraska and the looks you get? I didn’t like that either so I didn’t stay. Been there done that. The only common denominator between the crappy start you get and where you end up, are the decisions you make along the way.

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Kay Reply:
June 28th, 2015 at 6:04 am

Well said

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Hello. I just want to say thank you–I’m at a low point right now and I’ve been trying to understand what’s going on with me. Your post describes my feelings lately and thus is the most beautiful and useful thing I’ve ever read about being an INFP.

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Hi I don’t know if you still check this blog but I LOVE the stuff you write. I totally relate. I’m enfp but very low on the E to the point I feel like an I. Your articles speak to me. I feel understood and normal. Esp the OCD and 4 stages articles.

A big thank you from the UK

Sincerely

Kay

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I really appreciate this blog. Reading your words as well as the words of other INFPs is hilarious – it’s like I’m listening to myself think. I recently (4 years ago) got married to my middle school sweetheart and my wife had our first child about 4 months ago. I’ve never been more happy yet depressed in my life. I’ve never understood how that could be possible, but your blog helps articulate what I have never been able to put into words. The manner in which it all happened was not as ideal as I expected (moved three times and had three job changes in the course of a year all while she was pregnant), but I need to put my big boy pants on and just move on. Currently, I just seem to be wallowing in my own self pity, lamenting everything and everyone instead of claiming responsibility for my own stagnancy.
I find myself to be naturally gifted at a number of things, but have overthought every aspect of my life since childhood. As a consequence, I’ve missed out on 99% of all growth opportunities presented to me. I seem to have always been in the “what-if” stage. It’s typically fear that holds me back. I’m a talented writer and musician, but for fear of rejection or making a mistake, I don’t pursue either. I seem to have settled for the safe route of being a high school chemistry teacher. Even as a teacher, I don’t plan large lessons but prefer to go off the cuff – and in my over analysis I’ve determined that I do this because I can never be criticized for a lesson “I just put together on the spot”. If I were to really invest my time in planning in-depth science lessons, I could then be told just how terrible of a teacher I was. How insane is that? That being said, I have a number of great lessons the students enjoy and I get by through the year by being spontaneous, relating and empathizing with the students, and forming relationships to where they trust me and open up to me in ways they never would with a business-only type teacher. I’m going into my 4th year of teaching now, and I still get nervous every. Single. Morning. to speak in front of a class. I get anxiety, nausea, and diarrhea most mornings. The what-if machine in my brain has way too much oil in its gears and spins nonstop.

In regards to the hedgehog concept, it only satisfies two of the three criteria. I’m passionate about learning, somewhat passionate about teaching, I can be great at it, but there is not enough positive affirmation, adoration, praise, recognition, etc to drive my “happiness engine”. I’ve determined not to idealize one profession as the end-all be-all for my fulfillment, but rather do several things simultaneously. I get a lot of fulfillment from creatively determining the best way to advertise myself as a personal tutor using a website and business cards. Eventually, I’d like it to be a full fledged tutoring business that I take a cut on every dollar earned by my hired tutors. One thing at a time, right? My wife, an ESFJ (the apparent true match of the INFP) usually helps to ground me by urging me to not think so big… which to some might be detrimental but for the imaginative INFP it is good at times to take baby steps towards a goal and not pout every time their idealized version of a project does not come to fruition overnight.

Wife is home, I have to appear busy. Gotta go. Thank you for your blog.

Charles

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As an INFP, I am not sure I agree with the “Death and Dying” stages being the same for INFP lonely individuals. Also, not sure I agree that the early stages are always to be rebutted as immature rationale, or that after working in the real world, a denial stage no longer occurs.

Rather, I feel the “if I can’t make a living doing what I love, then I’d rather be dead” is a unifying good-spirited tone that traces back to Patrick Henry “give me liberty or give me death” or New Hampshire’s motto “live free or die.” It is tougher to be as deep in this position when employed, but the spirit of the message doesn’t expire, it kind of resurfaces in a fluctuating kind of way.

Also, the other stages of Anger, bargaining, and depression are channeled in positive spiritual forms as well, including distinct tastes for Indy music tracks, a strong deep bond among a bunch of people gathered in say Washington Square or Haight San Francisco or Telegraph Ave UC Berkeley. Sometimes it manifests itself in left wing umbrella anarcopunk movements and it’s a cultural reckoning that fluctuates with acceptance.

What I disagreeing with is that the waking up phase to acceptance in the case of INFP, is a climbing of the ladder which ends where Denial is outgrown. Rather, I feel ALL the stages have positive inspirational forms that build a deep and melancholy and cohesive bond between people experiencing the same sensations at the same times throughout the world. With this, happiness can be endured through the tolerance of climbing both up to stage 5 and back to stage one, at any level in life ….not necessarily outgrowing denial. Shared anger is a positive because it creates a platform for bonding and deep reflection. That’s my perception.

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After I left my husband and set out on a whole new life with our son, I felt so much better. Six years ago I was happy and hopeful. Now, 3 years after a broken engagement which resulted in my opinionated mother moving in my home permanently, I feel like Im waiting to die. I am definately angry, depressed and stuck in my life. My health is declining and I have to work another 15 years before I can retire. Suicide looks like an option I could consider in the future. I can no longer sing, feel God in my life or imagine hope.

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Good change. Blame moves nothing forward, whether we blame others or ourselves. It is useless at best and can be toxic

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Wow, thanks so much for laying this out. This helped a lot to clarify some long-term, abstract thinking of mine. After this, the layout of responsibility and the relationship between actions and results becomes pretty clear.

We all have to play by the same rules, and that means we can accomplish anything if we play by the rules.

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Please help me. I am an exuberant ENFP dating and in love with a dreamy very musically talented INFP. He’s twice divorced with no children and he’s recently moved back in to his parent’s house. He struggles with depression and he feels he’s reached the end of his rope. I’m a single mom and out of principle do not want to ‘leave him behind’ as he sometimes suggest I should. I wish I could let him see this blog. I told him out of principle I would not leave him behind like he feels most of the world has, but I don’t know how to shake him to help him. I am lonely because sometimes he is highly functioning but other times his depression cripples him and I would like to move the relationship forward but realize he is currently incapable. I love him terribly and have never met a man who would be a more tender step-father to my children than he. Any advice?

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Wow, I wish I’d read this before I divested myself of almost all off my possessions. I’d recently decided that the desire for things that make me happy should be replaced by a desire for the things I really need. I miss none of the things I had, apart from my much loved cat. Thanks to this article, I am going to endeavour to get my cat back, because, although the cat is not a need, it was a source of happiness for me.
To all my fellow INFPs, stick to your guns, learn these valuable lessons and find joy and fulfilment in your powerful gift of empathy. The world needs it now more than ever and it can bring you great rewards if you let it.

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Marfa Reply:
February 2nd, 2017 at 11:36 pm

That’s a really nice comment, props on setting (and resetting) your priorities straight and on following through with the process. Hope you get your cat back!

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I ‘ve been looking for the solution for over 20 years. I didn’t know anything about personality types till this year, so it’s been a terrible time trying too put into words what was going on with me. I just really couldn’t find anyone who was as focused on finding how to be truly joyful in life. Because like you stated earlier, everyone is so materialistic. Lol. So now I can see what I have been doing, and I hope by applying some effort with your solutions, perhaps I can move on from this sad state. I am sick and tired of feeling so much less then what I know I am. It’s like I’m trapped inside some how. And I just want to be free. Thanks

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say cheese!
🙂
🙂
🙂
😀
I just wanted you to smile, 🙂
Good luck for everything!

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Thanks for this blog. This is greatly insightful. I have been an unhappy INFP for a couple of years now. Out of curiosity, what MBTI types go well with INFPs?

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I feel like the world doesn’t understand me.But that’s because i never tell my parents what i want to be.I don’t want to disappoint them but in the other hand, i’m struggling to get the best score as possible.I hate studying at school.They’re not interesting.I don’t like those things.They’re just not that important for my dream job.But seeing how competitive they are, i feel so down.I mean i used to get the best score.It is like a let down to my parents.Well at least that’s what i think.And i feel like i’m the stupidest person in the world.But yeah it’s true that i get lazier.Maybe i just don’t want to try harder enough because what i do now doesn’t have any connections to my dream job.I’ve told that the first thing i wanna be is to be a writer.Funny that my mother told me the facts that most writer are poor except inspirational writer.But i wanna do fiction.Then i lost interested and found another one, which i’m too scared to tell because they might say thay comments again.Funny, i want to be something else.But i never try to learn any of it.Seeing my friends do something successful, i feel that i’ve been wasting my time.I feel like what i do is wrong.I don’t know how my friends can be so ambitious and very sure of what they do.They join competitions and stuff.And they’re not scared.While i’m here, i feel like stupid.I used to be a great deal.I do things although it’s never been a competition.I just wonder what is missing from my life.I used not to like playing games and phones.Now i’m adddicted to these things .I feel like this stupid phone just absorbs my time that i should have used for greater things to improve what i want to be.But i feel like my time is running out.I feel like i’m too late.It comforts me when i achieve something.But it always back to square one.I daydream too much.I never gonna reach my dream.It’s like school is just a place for me to keep me busy for nothing.But when i have free time, i don’t use it very well.I don’t know what goes wrong.I want to know.Why i’m feeling this way.I used not to.It seems that i can’t rise again.There’s a time when i rise and doesn’t feel this negativity and i might laugh at this.Now i’m not.I’m just dwelling here for nothing.It frustates me.

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Thank you for writing this, all the accuracy hit me pretty hard. It feels good to find a place where someone understands. I’d say, personally, I’m on stage four and have been for A LONG TIME. Despite seeing the bigger picture of what it means to love and to lose, to work hard and yet be disappointed, I can’t bring myself to believe and accept all of it, failing to move to stage 5.

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Hi to all fellow INFP . I recently took test and found I am INFP. Explains a lot in my life. I feel lonely in a crowd surrounded by my closest family and friends whom I care about deeply. I am often misunderstood as uncaring unfeeling. I have not been formally assessed from adhd or autism spectrum. I suspect I have minor traits of both. I can get incredibly miserable suddenly at wrong time to the inconvenience of myself and others. I am survivor, adaptable, and reasonably hardworking if I am very motivated by the process and end result and goals don’t breach my values. Just my thoughts but INFP struggle to be effective managers or easily motivated minions but that’s exactly what organisations want. I struggle to express my self at job interviews. You have to project passion for job and company values on to hiring managers to get job offers. Now job interviews are more about exploring values alignment of candidate with values of the company. Cv already describes, knowledge skills experiance. Describe genuine examples from past work or school that proves that your values will align with existing company team that your about to join. INFP may struggle with life, job, relationships, making enough money to live life and have a compfartable retirement. Find hobbies that will compensate for unfulfilling job, spouse, children, friends, life etc. Young ones life is short. Live the best life possible. Life is too short to waste being miserable. Find joy in serving others. You may find yourself when you serve others. Think of the less fortunate and give them a helping hand. I hope INFP will never be selfish , narcissistic, we are idealistic, lonely , dreamers. In the words of JRR Tolkien author of hobbit and lord of the rings a fellow INFP , not all who wander are lost. Good luck to all old and young. May you find the meaning that you seek. Live life as a seeker. It will be a nice life no matter what happens.

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“Acceptance is recognizing that we never fail, we get bad outcomes. We keep changing our actions until we get the outcome we want.”

I like that. 🙂

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I can’t imagine that moving to the last step is possible. For that I’d need to know what a doable life purpose could be that matches my ideals of depth and meaning. I just lost hope life can be this… real

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Thanks, I will try that. I have no idea what those values could be right now, but maybe I can find them and they could help me reevaluate my situation.

Just for note: I have experience with depression both on first hand and second hand. My experience says that it can only be lifted within myself, no external advice ever helps. They are for “usual” people or I don’t know why… I just know that what any psychologist ever said to me felt like repeating stuff I already knew myself. They doesn’t work because those things are not what I need. I think only I can figure out what I need, but somtimes it is too hard to do so. I really think cognitive functions are the key to that so I will keep trying. I can handle this. This is the only “motivation” I have left, the belief in my self-strenght. And at least I know I will never lose that. 🙂

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Hello, INFP world)
Im so glad I’ve stumbled upon this place!

Im 22 y.o. And I’ve recently started undergoing the reality wake-up call after being heartbroken (my relationship was honestly so close to my ideal until it wasn’t in the very end where it got real ugly) This event pushed me to finally face the real me and the reality in general
I really never even realized where my fantasy world ended and the reality began It was always merged for me…until now
It is so painful to see how a lot of beautiful, dreamy things and emotions were just a product of my mind this whole time while I genuinely believed them
I feel like I’m a new born resident of reality (which I never wanted to be tbh)

Anyway
Those of you who are more aware and conscious, could you please give me some advice or just your thoughts on how to balance reality and fantasy.
Because for me it’s so difficult- it seems like I have to pick either one or the other Obviously, I want to pick fantasy, but since I’m aware of reality now, it demands me to be real and conform
How do I resolve it?

PS Im afraid of falling in love now because the reality will merge with fantasy again which will lead to a disaster and pain

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